Something Wicked This Way Comes...

So! It's finally the New Year! Everyone is making changes! Everyone is buckling down and going to the gym, or quitting smoking, or talking to their mother again. (Or talking to their drug dealer again, right Lindsay?) It's all very exciting. There is a sense of renewed hope and purpose for life. So, when I took stock of my life before January 1st, I realized there were a lot of things that needed to change, so let's just go through that list now shall we?

1. My normally charming, almost ENDEARING chubby stature has reached a level that I am just not comfortable with. I've always been the chubby, funny guy. I've often been referred to as cute, ADORABLE even. Well FUCK THAT. I want to be HOT. SMOKING HOT. I literally want people's retinas to burn and explode upon the viewing of my body. I want to be so hot that I don't even have to speak to get what I want, just grunt and point at shit. This means a lot of things. First and foremost, it means I am going to have to start working out, which sucks. Nobody likes working out and anybody that tells you they do is a damn liar, or already has the perfect body. This means that when I have a day off or some free time, I am going to have to turn off the "Bad Girls Club" Marathon and do something active and healthy... YUCK. I am thinking of baby steps and going with that "Sit and Be Fit" series i've heard so much about...though, if I couldn't regularly commit to THAT I might just get a shit tons go all Goldie Hawn pre magic potion in Death Becomes Her, and be DONE! (You're Welcome for that Clip).

2. The next part is the hardest. In order for all this working out to be effective, It means I am gonna have to eat better. Not just better, but completely frickin' different. Look, let's not lie, healthy food is disgusting. It IS. Like Seaweed Salad for instance....

                                                         ^ WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Why the hell would I ever eat a Seaweed Salad when seaweed is already deliciously located and deep fried in the midst of my Godzilla Roll at my favorite Sushi Joint?

 See My Incredibly Infallible Point? ^ Fuck Yeah that looks yummy. Everything Fried Does!

I swear, most of the time I think people eat healthy food so that they can tell others that they did it and that they enjoy it. Come on, we all have that friend in our lives that just loves to tell us how much healthier they are than us. "Oh Soy Milk? I LOOOOVVVVEEEE Soy Milk. I LOVE to pour a little bit of it over 4 ounces of shredded wheat and a few banana slices in the morning after my multivitamin!" .... I had two slices of left over pizza and canned TANG for breakfast. Fuck Off. Soy Milk Sucks. The worst part about eating healthy is going out to eat. Why am I paying someone to cook FOR me and then all I am gonna get is a heaping pile of no flavor, brown rice and a glass of water with a lemon slice? Nuh uh. I am getting the Steak Lobster Ball with Mashed Potatoes, Mozzarella Sticks for starters and then i'm gonna wash it all down with a heaping glass of country gravy. THAT'S eating out, bitches. 

In conclusion though, I do realize that people who eat better, feel better, at least physically. I am sure there are still thousands of people who are beautiful, who eat right and exercise and still hate themselves...and I LIKE myself for the most part, so I think I might have a leg up here...a chicken leg...Oh Sorry...I mean tofurkey leg...still learning.

3. The last conclusion I came to is that in 2011 I finally started to pursue hobbies...other than drinking, and it was great. I did a lot of community theater. I sang and danced my way to the top of local stardom...I might be overreaching there, but how many times was YOUR name in the paper in a non-felony related way last year? Oh Shut Up. Getting a taste of doing something that you really love is intoxicating and I have decided that in 2012, I am going to get more of that. One of the things I have really neglected over the years is what i'm doing right now. Writing. I used to write all the time. I was always making up stories, characters, situations. I think that is why I've always loved television. It's that understanding that the beautiful scene you are seeing, those words that give you goosebumps...all of that came from the written words of man. Put on your galoshes, we're getting deep up in here. On my life list I wanted to write a book, a screenplay and a television pilot..now I just want to be able to write a grocery list or update my status on Facebook without getting bored and distracted. The reason I think I stopped writing was because I felt like I didn't really have anything unique to say. I'm not tortured, I had a relatively normal childhood. Nothing I wanted to write seemed interesting, which is really odd for me to feel, being such a narcissist. I usually love everything that comes out of my mouth. That's what he said... but I realized that this is all fear based and I really shouldn't be so self conscious. If Pamela Anderson, LC from The Hills and The Kardashians can write, then so can I. (Side Note: I love the Kardashians more than I love some of my family members. Big ups to Kris Jenner for turning everything to ever come out of her vagina into Television GOLD.) Hence, this blog. It's a grandiose notion that anybody will care to read what I have to say... but at least, I'm doing it... at least... I'm her-- Oh man... I've been waiting to quote The Color Purple in this blog just as much as I wait to do so in real life... but it just won't be the same via text, so here:

(Skip to about 1:41.. Powerful, I know. I have a way with words)

That felt so damn good. I hope you join me in the evolution of this blog, as I have no idea what will become of it. I have no idea what I want to do with it, but here I am. I hope you will be with me to see what becomes of this project, and if you don't want to, that's fine too. Honey, it's the internet, and i'll probably never know. I do however have THIS to say to you:

Seacrest Out.