Craig's List Confidential

So, i'm sitting here in my first pair of gay jeans and I was wondering what to blog about next. This blogging business is hard because when you first start out you think of all these amazing things you want to talk about, but then you sit down and you end up doing everything BUT what you set out to do it.

One of the things I like to do on the internet when I am bored is go to Craigslist, mainly the Missed Connections/Casual Encounters/Personal Ads section of Craigslist because I am never dissatisfied. The people who post on these are erotic poets, spewing forthe their sexual and romantic desires with an enigmatic poise and lilt.

Just kidding, they are fucking crazy, and that is how I got the idea for what I was going to do on this blog post. Review some of the Craigslist Men Seeking Women Ads in my Community. So maybe procrastination isn't really ALL that bad.

And SOOO without further adieu <--- (getting cultured up in here ya'll) I give you:

Craig's List Confidential

And We're OFF!

Please keep in my that these are in fact REAL ads that I took from my local Craigslist just a few minutes ago.


1. Social Anxiety Dis.

"i am very much interested in meeting and chatting with a woman who suffers from social anxiety disorder, or extreme shyness.
if someone reads this that knows a woman who suffers so. please invite them to respond to this. tell me about yourself a little bit so i wont delete you as
spam [there is tons of spam out there]"

So. I find this ad to be incredibly fucking creepy. First of all, I get the fact that this man probably suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder himself, but it reads as if he has a very specific fetish in which he needs a woman who won't talk about it afterwards to fulfill. Furthermore, I don't know much about Social Anxiety Disorder, but it would lead me to believe that they have anxiety about Social Situations, which in my opinion would include the Craigslist Personals Section of a Web Site. Also, I want to know if anyone DID respond to this to ad, and how that looked.

I especially like the part where if says "if someone reads this that knows a woman who suffers so. please invite them to respond to this." This...was a LITERAL LOL for me. Can you imagine suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder and your friend calls or texts you and says "So I was reading the Men Seeking Women section of Craigslist today, don't ask me why, i'm trying new things, and there is a man who is looking for a girl who has problem dealing with Social Situations, so immediately I thought of YOU and just thought I would pass it along.. He seems really legit, Courtney. What? Why are you yelling?"

Rating: Based on it's incredible creepiness and the fact that I feel that whatever woman this man ends up meeting will soon be either dead, or locked in a box underneath his  matress, I am going to give this one 2.5 out of 5 Stars.


2. A Woman That Can Darn - 76

I'm actively searching for a woman age or race of no concern to me. We're all the same! What I need is a woman that can darn. I have a sweater I wear every day and have worn for at least as long as I can remember that needs a good darning.
There are at least six holes that I can see and probably a lot more I can't see. My eyes aren't so good. So if you're out there get hold of me and if there's more than one of you I'll be taking the one that darns the best. Good luck!

How can you not love this frickin' ad? First of all, I had to google what the hell "darn" meant and I have to admit I was a little let down when I found out what the actual definition was:

darn (v) To mend (a garment, for example) by weaving thread or yarn across a gap or hole.

Heh heh. Hole. Anyway, initially I was a little aroused when I saw the title, hoping it was some old kinky bastard looking for somebody to flog him or something, but no. What I am most confused about is whether or not this man is looking for love or an employee. What will happen after she "darns" his sweater, will the attraction still be there? Will she stay by his side? Will her age or race still not matter after his sweater is "darned"? And who takes care of this man, anyway? He's 76 and he's been wearing the same sweater day in and day out for years! Somebody take him to K Mart or something, that is elder abuse.

Rating: That being said, I LOVE examples of old people invading the internet and making everybody uncomfortable and I have to give this Ad a 3 out of 5 stars for it's uniqueness as well as it's underlying racist current.


3. Decisions and Revisions which a Minute can Reverse

Attracted to intelligent, confident women who tend to be minimalist on the makeup and girly-girl. The 'mystique of woman' doesn't really attract me at all.. and because of this its become neigh impossible to find anyone worth engaging in a romantic comedy (or tragedy) with. But I am hopeful.
I'm in my 20's, have a steady job, my own place, etc etc. I am good looking, confident, and have plenty to do from work to play without any sexual 'entanglements'. But, it would be fun to find someone to become entangled with on a fun, intellectual, and sexual level.

For kicks I enjoy hikes//bike rides, dancing, heated conversation over caffeinated or alcohol infused beverages, movies, hard work followed by a respite, and anything positively surprising.
So what about you?


There are many, many things that i hate about this ad. First of all, it is glaringly clear to me that this man is most likely a virgin. Ladies, any man who refers to a relationship as a Romantic Comedy or Tragedy has never seen vagina in person.

I'm confused as to what he means by the "Mystique of a Woman". It makes me think that he believes women to be some sentient alien race that men are left to decode before their heads are eaten off during the mating season. If I was a woman who read this ad, I would be instantly turned off by the fact that it generally feels like he doesn't in fact actually like women.

This personal ad is also ripe with contradiction, on the one hand he wants minimalistic, and on the other hand, he wants a girly girl which conjures up to ME at least, a woman who takes time on her appearance, who screams with murderous fright at the sight of a spider, who refuses to touch or do anything "Gross" and who is obsessed with all things girl: makeup, perfume, clothes... Let's be really honest, he wants one of those sex robots. A girl who always looks her best because she is made of synthetic latex and her make up was burned onto her cyborg body... In fact, while reading this ad I was reminded of that movie with Horrible Smoker Ryan Gosling "Lars and the Real Girl"

My favorite part of this ad is that this man seems like no fun at all, but then he randomly puts that he likes "dancing". I cannot picture this man dancing, I picture this man as somebody who takes themselves very seriously and who has not farted in front of somebody in their entire life. Ladies, look out, this man put that he likes dancing because he wants you to think that he is fun, but in reality, this is a man that will expect you to pay for half the caffeinated or alcohol infused beverages and the heated conversation will consist of him telling you about what a tortured artist he thinks himself to be. RUN AWAY.

My Rating: This man needs to hire a hooker, stop reading books, and get out and actually experience a "comedy" or a "tragedy"...God just typing this also now makes me think this is the type of man to engage in a Renaissance Fair, and if that's the case, RUN. Trust me ladies, i've been down that road. It only leads to heartache. 1.5 out of 5 Stars.


4. make out-movie night?

any takers, only reply if you are awesome
e-mail for immediate response and send a picture for one in return

I give this guy kudos. It's straight and to the point. He wants a make out movie night. Simple as that. Hell, I almost responded except for the fact that I am a man and most definitely not what he is looking for and because I wasn't sure if I was awesome. I mean WTF? What does that even mean you buffoon? Does this woman only get to taste your beautiful lips if she starts the morning base jumping off the Empire State Building? What is your definition of awesome? And are you awesome yourself? And wouldn't a woman who was awesome most definitely NOT be scouring the Craigslist Personals looking for love? No, she'd be locked, stocked with two smoking barrels trying to rob the Prime Minister of Israel. She'd be blowing shit up, kicking ass and taking names. I am sorry to break this guy's heart, but I just know in my bones he did not get that movie make out night he so desperately wanted. I do however, think it might be a good idea to set him up with the man that just wants somebody to "darn" his sweater in the spirit of I'll scratch your back if you stick your tongue down my throat while we watch Reservoir Dogs?

My Rating: While I give him an A for Simplicity, I have to fail him based on the fact that he's boxed himself in too much looking for only awesome people. 2 out of 5 stars.



5. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR BECKONS YOU WITH INTELLECTUAL&SEXUAL BLISS - 38

 little about me...
Im honest, faithful, multi-lingual, communicative, athletic, caring, dependable,one with a great sense of humour, world-traveled and focused.I feel priviledged being multi-cultural in essence
Dont bother trying to explain to me what diversity is all about.It is my middle name for crying out loud!I value communication AND cross-cultural communication.
. Ive got a lot of love and affection to give to the RIGHT person
INTERESTS:
Mind you ,my interests could fill an encyclopeadia(or your computers memory,you choose).First and foremost,I like people,yes I do .It might sound naive a statement but I still believe in the inherent good in the Human form.... I like PRACTISING sports(I am not a couch potato):bodybuiding 3 times a week,basketball once a week, soccer once a week , jogging for 3 hours early on thursdays(before work) and on Sundays . I like my work( consultant for tech companies ).I like the fact that I can work free-lance as it affords me full amplitude to bringing my ideas to fruitful conclusion without HINDERING SUPERVISION(you read me right?)
About the one I'm looking for...
Love comes under the least expected guises.That statement should be enough to fill this box dont you think?...Whatever...,Id expect you to be sincere,honest,trustworthy A positive person with a zest for life,a free thinker, Your race,creed,religion,age,physical appearance,eating,smoking or drinking habits...etc ...isnt of importance to me.Your character IS.I mean it .So those of you out there that society pigeonholes and labels as fat ,old and ugly,please dont let such short-sightedness stop you from writing me.I strongly believe theres much more to it than glass paper and glossy looks.Theres CHARACTER.Nothing beats character not even aging, you see(and we all know what the former does to looks-no matter what Joan Collins might say ). If you see yourself in this(and if you dont:remember the least expected guises?),then dont hesitate to write now;YOU WONT REGRET IT.
I'd just like to add...
I love listening and dancing to music and Im said to be a real sensation on the dancefloor,seeming to enlighten it with my dazzling footsteps.I love reading books and scientific publications.Im a real movie buff,you know what I mean ,a REAL one.I like cooking(yes I do! ) to friends but more importantly for my special other,and then wed have a candlelit dinner with;my funny Valentine; in the background,you know, that type of thing ;no need for visuals right?I love making love to my special other Cross-cultural communication is something that really makes me tick(oh already said that right? gosh!).I love languages. I enjoy travelling,which is also the driving force behind my learning and practising foreign languages(I speak a few African languages,German, Japanese,and of course French).I find it hard to conceive of a travelling venture that doesnt include extensively exchanging with the locals.And knowing their language does help doesnt it?

Oh. My. Dorothy. Where the FUCK to begin with THIS one? This is the greatest man who has ever lived. But you don't need to tell him that. He knows. He's the fucking Chuck Norris of Craigslist. He is diverse, he is caring, communicative, accepting, and I bet if you ever met him in person he would NEVER tire of reiterating these qualities to you over some highly overconceptualized dinner that you HATE.

Reading this, I can't help but feel this man is under the influence of mass opiates. First of all, the punctuation in this personal ad hurts my eyes, I can't tell where sentences end and where they begin. They all blend and merge into one stream of semi-conscious/lucid word vomit. My favorite sentence being: "I love making love to my special other Cross-cultural communications is something that really makes me tick (oh already said that right? gosh!). Oh man, talk cross-cultural to me baby. He then goes on to explain the different languages he knows, which if his sentence structure and the way he writes is any indicator, the "natives" of the countries he loves to go to are probably scratching their heads/eating their own faces as much as I am right now.
I---I can't.. I don't even know what else to say. Highlights include his referencing of Joan Collins, his idea of a perfect date (a candlelit dinner with; my funny Valentine; in the background, you know, that type of thing; no need for visuals right?) Yeah, or semicolons, asshole. This man is a hot mess, who was a self image that is grandiose in ways that not even I can compete with (and I have competed, professionally. Miss Congeniality in the Overinflated Self Image Pageant 2009. Google It!)

So, I guess ladies if you are looking for a man who's middle name is Diversity (I wonder what his first name is... I'm gonna say Larry.), who speaks multiple African Tongues, who can do what I perceive to be at least a pound of angel dust and still jog for three hours on a Thursday, then this is the man for you.

My Rating: This is one of the best i've ever seen. 5 out of 5 stars.


So, there you have it. We dove into the depths of Craiglist and pulled out some pearls. I hope you enjoyed this experience and I hope to catch you next time on the very likely next installment of Craigslist Confidential.
I'd love to know what you thought of this post, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me some comments, follow my blog, or follow me on Twitter @FriendODorothy.

Peace.Love.Dorothy.