Chay Chay Koolay

When I was a kid, I pretty much hung out with the same three people. This would later explain my stunted social skills and obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I digress.

First there was Stephanie.

She was older and seemingly cooler. She knew things that I didn't and had access to things that I just wasn't allowed to have yet like CDs and a futon bunkbed. She was also a fearless tyrant who couldn't lose ANYTHING and if she did, she would lock herself in her room with her CDs and futon bunkbed and not let anyone play with her stuff for the rest of the day. She was kind of a bitch.


Then there was Meghann.

She was only two years younger than me, and for most of my childhood and adolescence she was my partner in crime. She had an amazing imagination and playing with her was never boring. For instance, we could never just play Barbies. Our Barbies had fucking background stories and Mommy Issues. "Alright, so now your Barbie lives in the glamour trailor because her mom kicked her out for flunking law school and she meets me who is homeless and just looking for a friend, and then later we can move into the dream mansion." Whenever Stephanie would stop playing with me, there was always, Meghann.

Lastly, there was my little sister, Heather.

 Unfortunately for my little sister, she usually got the wrong end of the stick and I spent a lot of my childhood making her miserable and discluding her from as many things as possible. For instance, she would play the Barbie that was horribly burned in Glamour Trailer before we moved into the Dream Mansion. Thankfully, she grew up to be a very well adjusted individual. Adversity builds character I always remind her. This doesn't soothe her.

The thing about kids is that there is always a heirarchy, there is order. You construct social politics in order to feel special. You like to know where you stand as a kid, and you always want to be the coolest. It's a competition, and you hate anything that threatens that. And that was how it was for me. In our group, Stephanie was the leader, she had the big kid room, the coolest toys and the most sway with our parents. Unfortunately, Stephanie knew this and a lot of our time was spent keeping her happy so that she would continue to play with us. Then, it was a power struggle between Meghann and myself. Stephanie would pit us against each other for her favor, and although we were the closest of the four, I feel as if we both kept each other close in the spirit of "Keep Your Friends Close and the Bitch Who Tries to Outshine You Closer." And then there was Heather, always the bottom of the totem pole unless the older kids all got pissed off at each other. Heather LOVED those days.

Well I remember when I was about 9 years old, my older cousin Airen came to live with us.

She was the same age as Stephanie and immediately, she was a threatening form in my life. First, Stephanie and Airen had more in common. Like I said, they were the same age, had the same cool stuff, DOUBLED if they put it together, and were both girls. I couldn't win against her. Every day I woke up with her in my house was like DEATH. I knew I had to do something about her, I had to flex my power, or I would have to hang out with HEATHER, a fate at the time that was worse than Lepracy.

It was at this time, that Stephanie, Meghann, Heather and myself had formed a club that we had called "Chay Chay Koolay" don't ask us why but it even had it's own theme song to the tune of the Captain Planet theme. We didn't know what it meant, and we didn't care, we were young and had the rest of our lives together. Stephanie was, of course, the President of the club because our clubhouse was her bedroom, Meghann was Vice President, a move I allowed in order to gain favor with her, I was the Treasurer thinking it would be smarter to be in control of club funds, and Heather...well her title was Officer. Everyday in the Summer we would meet in Stephanie's Room to discuss business:

Stephanie: Alright Folks! This Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay is now in session! What do we have on the docket today, Vice President Meghann?

Meghann: Well.... we need to write in our journals about our day and then we need to talk to Brandon about how our fundraising efforts to have our parents buy us a slushi machine is going.

Stephanie: Sounds Good, Comrades! Let the journal writing COMMENCE!

It was glorious...until...Stephanie wanted AIREN to join the club. I was flabbergasted. AIREN? Stupid AIREN? She hadn't put any time in with the group! She knew nothing! Surely we couldn't let HER into the club?!?! What was becoming of my life? 9 years of hard work trying to get to the top and here I was ready to get uprooted by some BITCH. I had to do something.

SO...I pointed out that it wouldn't be a club if everyone was invited, which in the spirit of exclusivity seemed to appeal to Stephanie the Beast. I decided that if we were going to submit a new canidate for Chay Chay Koolay that Airen shouldn't be the only. I suggested my Step Brother:

 Now... let me explain my Stepbrother Mikey. He is a really great guy. He is also one of the weirdest people i've ever met in my entire life. He was only 8 months older than me, and at this point in his life, most of the time he liked to be considered a cat. I'm not joking. a fucking cat. When all of us would play House, he would want to be the CAT... In the car he would make this velociraptor voice from Jurassic Park just to irritate my Mother. On top of that, he was born extremely premature and during his birth, the Doctor's scratched his voice box, which at 9 years old...made him sound odd. I know that's terrible to make fun of, but kids are kids, and they tend to at least point out things that are different than him. I decided that he would be my scapegoat. He would never rise to anything in the club because he was weird and it would mean that AIREN would NOT be a part of Chay Chay Koolay.

We set up a Gauntlet. A series of trials and tribulations. The winner, would gain admission to the club. Stephanie chose the first task, which seemed simple: Climb the Tree in the Back Yard.

What Stephanie failed to mention to our two canidates was this tree was always COVERED with Fire Ants, mean, STARVING fire ants. Nobody climbed that tree and lived. I guess Stephanie decided that if we were gonna do this, we were gonna DO this..mmkay?

Airen was up first. I could tell she was shaking and nervous, but determined. She wanted in the club.. she WANTED to take me down, I could TELL in her beady little eyes. Meghann held up the flag that was really one of our Mother's T-Shirts and shot the Gun!

Meghann: GOOOO!!!!!!!!

Airen ran at the tree, grasping at the base and starting to climb. She was making good speed, and doing fairly well...well no. She was doing GOOD. It was as if she was BORN to climb! She was going to do this and win! She was going to RUIN my life. I was PRAYING for Fire Ants at this point, PRAYING for some divine intervention. And that's when it happened. While grasping onto a branch, and using it as leverage to ascend to the top, they came. The fire ants, and they didn't come slowly... Heh heh, that's what HE said. They swarmed her hand, BITING, protecting their territory! Her screams were FURIOUS and LOUD, and they warmed my damn heart. Watching her fall was very reminiscent of that epic fall from that Lady in Cliffhanger. She hit the ground with a thud. Everyone was quiet. Would she wake up? Was she dead? By the time she came to, Mikey had ascended that tree and eaten every fire ant on it like he was a goddamn anteater.

Airen - 0
Mikey - 1

The next was some loser task that Heather picked and we all scoffed at how stupid and dumb it was. Long story short, Airen ended up winning. It was now neck and neck. The fate of my social future lay in the hands of the final test...which... as kids...we really hadn't figured it out. That was the downside of Chay Chay Koolay, we were so disorganized. It had to be something that Airen just WOULDN'T do. But I couldn't think of anything...that's when Meghann said something that I would be eternally grateful..

Meghann: I KNOW...let's make them eat DOG FOOD.

I wanted to smack that bitch in the face and give her a hug. She was on the same page as me. She knew that if Airen joined the club, she would lose standing with Stephanie and potentially the Vice Presidential Election coming up (For Some reason we never had a Presidential Election...). Mikey pretty much thought he WAS an animal and after watching him eat so many ants, she assumed that he would eat just about anything. (She was Right) It was a Shoe In. We had lived to see another day.

In the last few moments of that dog food eating competition, we watched as Mikey deliciously chowed down on his wet dog food like it was Thanksgiving Dinner, and Airen was left crying over her bowl, realizing how far she would go for popularity. Mikey was admitted to the club and Airen was exiled. Life was good. And it could have ended there. But for some reason, I just couldn't stand to let Airen be a part of our group. She was just too dangerous, and I realized I LOVED messing with her.

A few weeks later we collectively let Airen into Chay Chay Koolay.. (well..our parents yelled at us and we had to). Airen was ELATED to be a part of things. I had taken over as group moderator because we all decided that we liked MY voice the best to announce things. I stood in the center of our circle and I played our endgame.

Me: I now call this meeting of Chay Chay Koolay in session. We have a new member among our ranks, everybody say hello to Airen!

Heather, Stephanie, Meghann: Wahoo! Hey!

Mikey: WOOF WOOF!

Me: Welcome to the Club, Airen. We are happy to have you. Today is a sad day though, as I have just received this memo from our President, Stephanie. In an exclusive chamber meeting, the decision has been made to disband Chay Chay Koolay. While the club has been fun and beneficial to everyone, it is believed that some members have other interests they would like to pursue and it is deemed unfair to have the rest of our members suffer. And so, it is with great sadness that we announce this to be the Last Official Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay...

I know... I was such an asshole of a child. We all were. We preyed on the weak, and unfortunately, Airen who just wanted to be accepted was the weak. The real reason that Chay Chay Koolay was disbanded was because Stephanie and I had secretly been siphoning funds from the Club Treasury to fund our NEW and WAYYYY cooler GOOSEBUMPS club, of which I was the Vice President..(there were only the two of us in the club, BUT small victories.)

Airen was ruined. I'd like to say she rose above this moment, i'd like to say it gave her the determination to succeed, like Heather did. I'd like to say this event was not a factor in her heavy drinking and tendency towards depression...but the truth is...she never got over it, and some nights when i'm lying in bad, 18 years later, deep in dreamland, I'll get a phone call. When I answer... all I hear is a little bit of heavy breathing, a hiccup and then a blood curdling scream..

"CHAY CHAY KOOLAY!"

Kids Can Be So Cruel.