Chay Chay Koolay

When I was a kid, I pretty much hung out with the same three people. This would later explain my stunted social skills and obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I digress.

First there was Stephanie.

She was older and seemingly cooler. She knew things that I didn't and had access to things that I just wasn't allowed to have yet like CDs and a futon bunkbed. She was also a fearless tyrant who couldn't lose ANYTHING and if she did, she would lock herself in her room with her CDs and futon bunkbed and not let anyone play with her stuff for the rest of the day. She was kind of a bitch.


Then there was Meghann.

She was only two years younger than me, and for most of my childhood and adolescence she was my partner in crime. She had an amazing imagination and playing with her was never boring. For instance, we could never just play Barbies. Our Barbies had fucking background stories and Mommy Issues. "Alright, so now your Barbie lives in the glamour trailor because her mom kicked her out for flunking law school and she meets me who is homeless and just looking for a friend, and then later we can move into the dream mansion." Whenever Stephanie would stop playing with me, there was always, Meghann.

Lastly, there was my little sister, Heather.

 Unfortunately for my little sister, she usually got the wrong end of the stick and I spent a lot of my childhood making her miserable and discluding her from as many things as possible. For instance, she would play the Barbie that was horribly burned in Glamour Trailer before we moved into the Dream Mansion. Thankfully, she grew up to be a very well adjusted individual. Adversity builds character I always remind her. This doesn't soothe her.

The thing about kids is that there is always a heirarchy, there is order. You construct social politics in order to feel special. You like to know where you stand as a kid, and you always want to be the coolest. It's a competition, and you hate anything that threatens that. And that was how it was for me. In our group, Stephanie was the leader, she had the big kid room, the coolest toys and the most sway with our parents. Unfortunately, Stephanie knew this and a lot of our time was spent keeping her happy so that she would continue to play with us. Then, it was a power struggle between Meghann and myself. Stephanie would pit us against each other for her favor, and although we were the closest of the four, I feel as if we both kept each other close in the spirit of "Keep Your Friends Close and the Bitch Who Tries to Outshine You Closer." And then there was Heather, always the bottom of the totem pole unless the older kids all got pissed off at each other. Heather LOVED those days.

Well I remember when I was about 9 years old, my older cousin Airen came to live with us.

She was the same age as Stephanie and immediately, she was a threatening form in my life. First, Stephanie and Airen had more in common. Like I said, they were the same age, had the same cool stuff, DOUBLED if they put it together, and were both girls. I couldn't win against her. Every day I woke up with her in my house was like DEATH. I knew I had to do something about her, I had to flex my power, or I would have to hang out with HEATHER, a fate at the time that was worse than Lepracy.

It was at this time, that Stephanie, Meghann, Heather and myself had formed a club that we had called "Chay Chay Koolay" don't ask us why but it even had it's own theme song to the tune of the Captain Planet theme. We didn't know what it meant, and we didn't care, we were young and had the rest of our lives together. Stephanie was, of course, the President of the club because our clubhouse was her bedroom, Meghann was Vice President, a move I allowed in order to gain favor with her, I was the Treasurer thinking it would be smarter to be in control of club funds, and Heather...well her title was Officer. Everyday in the Summer we would meet in Stephanie's Room to discuss business:

Stephanie: Alright Folks! This Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay is now in session! What do we have on the docket today, Vice President Meghann?

Meghann: Well.... we need to write in our journals about our day and then we need to talk to Brandon about how our fundraising efforts to have our parents buy us a slushi machine is going.

Stephanie: Sounds Good, Comrades! Let the journal writing COMMENCE!

It was glorious...until...Stephanie wanted AIREN to join the club. I was flabbergasted. AIREN? Stupid AIREN? She hadn't put any time in with the group! She knew nothing! Surely we couldn't let HER into the club?!?! What was becoming of my life? 9 years of hard work trying to get to the top and here I was ready to get uprooted by some BITCH. I had to do something.

SO...I pointed out that it wouldn't be a club if everyone was invited, which in the spirit of exclusivity seemed to appeal to Stephanie the Beast. I decided that if we were going to submit a new canidate for Chay Chay Koolay that Airen shouldn't be the only. I suggested my Step Brother:

 Now... let me explain my Stepbrother Mikey. He is a really great guy. He is also one of the weirdest people i've ever met in my entire life. He was only 8 months older than me, and at this point in his life, most of the time he liked to be considered a cat. I'm not joking. a fucking cat. When all of us would play House, he would want to be the CAT... In the car he would make this velociraptor voice from Jurassic Park just to irritate my Mother. On top of that, he was born extremely premature and during his birth, the Doctor's scratched his voice box, which at 9 years old...made him sound odd. I know that's terrible to make fun of, but kids are kids, and they tend to at least point out things that are different than him. I decided that he would be my scapegoat. He would never rise to anything in the club because he was weird and it would mean that AIREN would NOT be a part of Chay Chay Koolay.

We set up a Gauntlet. A series of trials and tribulations. The winner, would gain admission to the club. Stephanie chose the first task, which seemed simple: Climb the Tree in the Back Yard.

What Stephanie failed to mention to our two canidates was this tree was always COVERED with Fire Ants, mean, STARVING fire ants. Nobody climbed that tree and lived. I guess Stephanie decided that if we were gonna do this, we were gonna DO this..mmkay?

Airen was up first. I could tell she was shaking and nervous, but determined. She wanted in the club.. she WANTED to take me down, I could TELL in her beady little eyes. Meghann held up the flag that was really one of our Mother's T-Shirts and shot the Gun!

Meghann: GOOOO!!!!!!!!

Airen ran at the tree, grasping at the base and starting to climb. She was making good speed, and doing fairly well...well no. She was doing GOOD. It was as if she was BORN to climb! She was going to do this and win! She was going to RUIN my life. I was PRAYING for Fire Ants at this point, PRAYING for some divine intervention. And that's when it happened. While grasping onto a branch, and using it as leverage to ascend to the top, they came. The fire ants, and they didn't come slowly... Heh heh, that's what HE said. They swarmed her hand, BITING, protecting their territory! Her screams were FURIOUS and LOUD, and they warmed my damn heart. Watching her fall was very reminiscent of that epic fall from that Lady in Cliffhanger. She hit the ground with a thud. Everyone was quiet. Would she wake up? Was she dead? By the time she came to, Mikey had ascended that tree and eaten every fire ant on it like he was a goddamn anteater.

Airen - 0
Mikey - 1

The next was some loser task that Heather picked and we all scoffed at how stupid and dumb it was. Long story short, Airen ended up winning. It was now neck and neck. The fate of my social future lay in the hands of the final test...which... as kids...we really hadn't figured it out. That was the downside of Chay Chay Koolay, we were so disorganized. It had to be something that Airen just WOULDN'T do. But I couldn't think of anything...that's when Meghann said something that I would be eternally grateful..

Meghann: I KNOW...let's make them eat DOG FOOD.

I wanted to smack that bitch in the face and give her a hug. She was on the same page as me. She knew that if Airen joined the club, she would lose standing with Stephanie and potentially the Vice Presidential Election coming up (For Some reason we never had a Presidential Election...). Mikey pretty much thought he WAS an animal and after watching him eat so many ants, she assumed that he would eat just about anything. (She was Right) It was a Shoe In. We had lived to see another day.

In the last few moments of that dog food eating competition, we watched as Mikey deliciously chowed down on his wet dog food like it was Thanksgiving Dinner, and Airen was left crying over her bowl, realizing how far she would go for popularity. Mikey was admitted to the club and Airen was exiled. Life was good. And it could have ended there. But for some reason, I just couldn't stand to let Airen be a part of our group. She was just too dangerous, and I realized I LOVED messing with her.

A few weeks later we collectively let Airen into Chay Chay Koolay.. (well..our parents yelled at us and we had to). Airen was ELATED to be a part of things. I had taken over as group moderator because we all decided that we liked MY voice the best to announce things. I stood in the center of our circle and I played our endgame.

Me: I now call this meeting of Chay Chay Koolay in session. We have a new member among our ranks, everybody say hello to Airen!

Heather, Stephanie, Meghann: Wahoo! Hey!

Mikey: WOOF WOOF!

Me: Welcome to the Club, Airen. We are happy to have you. Today is a sad day though, as I have just received this memo from our President, Stephanie. In an exclusive chamber meeting, the decision has been made to disband Chay Chay Koolay. While the club has been fun and beneficial to everyone, it is believed that some members have other interests they would like to pursue and it is deemed unfair to have the rest of our members suffer. And so, it is with great sadness that we announce this to be the Last Official Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay...

I know... I was such an asshole of a child. We all were. We preyed on the weak, and unfortunately, Airen who just wanted to be accepted was the weak. The real reason that Chay Chay Koolay was disbanded was because Stephanie and I had secretly been siphoning funds from the Club Treasury to fund our NEW and WAYYYY cooler GOOSEBUMPS club, of which I was the Vice President..(there were only the two of us in the club, BUT small victories.)

Airen was ruined. I'd like to say she rose above this moment, i'd like to say it gave her the determination to succeed, like Heather did. I'd like to say this event was not a factor in her heavy drinking and tendency towards depression...but the truth is...she never got over it, and some nights when i'm lying in bad, 18 years later, deep in dreamland, I'll get a phone call. When I answer... all I hear is a little bit of heavy breathing, a hiccup and then a blood curdling scream..

"CHAY CHAY KOOLAY!"

Kids Can Be So Cruel.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians



So, remember a little while ago when I talked about how when I had a day off or some free time I was going to have to get off the couch and get active? Do you also remember how I declared my love for the Kardashian Family? Well...the other day, my best laid plans fell through and I found myself watching a marathon of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians". I've seen every episode and personally, am a huge fan. I also realized how divided most of the country seems to be about this famous family. One side hates them, almost passionately, saying the represent all the things that are wrong with Americans today, and the other side has a devoted band of followers, ready to scoop up and enjoy every product that they put out. 

I decided  to play a little Devil's Advocate and give my take on America's fascination with the Kardashian Family. At first I thought this might not be a good idea to blog about...a little lame. What do people care about my opinion on the damn Kardashians? But then again, one of my goals this year was to write, and I don't want to lose momentum on this blog. I made a promise to myself and right now, my head is thinking about the Kardashians. So here goes nothing.

With all the hate that seems to come their way, the Kardashian Family can't help but be completely relevant in our society. Their television show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" is entering what I believe to be it's sixth season, and the numbers remain solid and strong. The Show has spawned a number of spin offs all with high degrees of success and from a business standpoint, they've pretty much singlehandedly rescued the E! Network. Without it, E! would not be what it is today. They have Ryan Seacrest (Executive Producer) and the Kardashians to thank. I was in the airport recently looking for a magazine at one of the many kiosks and noticed that at that particular kiosk, the Kardashian Family was on the cover of 8, count them
EIGHT different magazines. Love them or hate them, they are doing something right.

Look, honestly. I get what people are saying about them to an extent. There is a definite materialistic streak in each member of the family outside of perhaps Bruce Jenner, and some of the things they say can be construed as vapid or shallow or snobby, but if you look at the way they talk and act in interviews and such, it's not like these people don't realize that they have these qualities. They are human just like you and I. They have faults. I mean you can't blame people for the situations life gave. These kids were born and raised in Beverly Hills, their father was a very influential, successful and controversial lawyer, Robert Kardashian and for those of you who don't remember, he was one of OJ Simpson's Defense Attorneys. They've had access to a world and life that not many people do, but when that is your everyday, of course you get a little bit of a sense of entitlement. It's no different than any teenager in America. Everybody wants what they don't have, and that doesn't exclude people who have everything. It's human nature, it's engraved into as us consumers. Want want want. Have have have. And over the course of the years that the show has been on, these young girls have transformed into a pretty powerful, strong and cohesive unit. They've turned
the fact that people are intrigued by their family and cashed in on it, and if everybody is on board with that in their family, you can't fault them for that. You only have yourself to blame because their name comes out of your mouth in conversations, or for the fact that even you, the one who says they HATE the Kardashians tunes in every now and again. You want to know more.

The appeal of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe comes from this. If i've learned one thing from watching television for so many years, it's this. When people turn on their TV, they want fantasy. They want an escape. The same is true in films. Harry Potter and Twilight aren't successful because they are hard hitting realistic dramas. It's because there is an air of the supernatural, of fantasy. You can escape in the story. The same is true for shows like Dallas or Melrose Place. These people had money, success, power, beauty. We watched because we wanted to be them, because we wanted to have what they have, and that is the reason we watch the Kardashians. Everyone wants fame. Everyone wants to be noticed, and these girls have both those capabilities. People will pay them just to SHOW up to places, and awesome places at that. They can go to Vegas and live it up, probably not even on their own dime, and the people who watch that, are jealous. Who WOULDN'T want to be able to do that? And if you personally say no, I feel like you're saying it to appear above basic social desire. We all want to feel famous and special. The Self Help section at Barnes and Noble isn't because everybody finds love within themselves. It's because we always look outwards first. It's maybe not right or perfect but it exists.

On another note, while the Kardashian Sisters may BE role models to young girls, I don't believe it is their responsibility or duty to do so. They are on television, and they sell their brand, but as we should know by now, nobody on television is perfect, nor in the world for that matter. We pick these girls apart, saying they are bad role models, when maybe instead, parents themselves should accept responsibility for raising their children and BE their children's OWN role models. Stop pushing the responsibility off on others. Your kids get more about life and how to behave from YOU than they EVER will from Kim Kardashian, and while they may think she is pretty and want to emulate her, it's not HER responsibility to make sure that they get
into college, have successful careers and relationships and are happy. That's for you. Furthermore, people make frickin' mistakes. Just look at Mike Phelps. He is an amazing athlete. Gold Medals, Dedication, Passion for a Sport, and Gazelle like Intensity. Then a picture of him taking a bong rip hits the net and suddenly people want to strip him of every accomplishment and call him a liar. Look, it was a damn picture. Does it make him any LESS of an inspiration, of a fucking olympic monster? NO. Does it dimish his accomplishments. NO. He goes to sleep every night with a million damn medals on his chest. He is still an accomplished man and amazing athlete. Let's save that kind of judgement for people who do SERIOUS things like committ murder or something.

That being said, let's take a look at these girls success' shall we?

In 2010, The Kardashian Family brought in $65 million. That's fuckin EPIC! I mean you don't KNOW money like they know money. To put that in perspective, according to the Hollywood Reporter that's more than Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise COMBINED. Come on, even if you HATE on them, you have GOT to give credit where credit is DUE.

Let's Break it Down:

The Stuff they Got Going On:

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Khloe and Kourtney take Miami
Khloe and Lamar
Kim and Kourtney take New York
They have two Fragrances, one exclusively from Kim and then one from Khloe and Lamar.
They have DASH boutiques in Calabasas, Miami and New York.
They have clothing line from SEARS.
A BEST SELLING BOOK.
A Weight Loss Supplement.
An Exercise Tape.
Kim Kardashian commands upwards of $100,000 for a personal appearance.

There is NOTHING that this family doesn't have their hands in.

This family has a lot going on, but on a personal level, they're LIKEABLE. They are a REAL family. They are the new Nuclear Family. They have a history and they make no excuses for it. It is what it is with them. The death of their father is something that is regularly discussed and openly mourned, and it's in those small moments, the family dinners, the way they spend all of their time together that really makes them grow on you.

They may not be a perfect family, but no family is. They have the same problems as you and I do, they are just brave enough to have every moment of them filmed, and I think that if we looked at ourselves honestly and had our own reality TV show with 24 hours a day of our life filmed, it wouldn't be the moments in which we were normal and did nothing that would make great TV and get ratings. It would be the times we acted out and got a little crazy, the moments when maybe we weren't our best, and at the end of the day, I think the Kardashians can go to sleep with a clean conscience and I think their father would be proud of them. They've made a lot in life simply by being who they are. They are a beautiful family and it's only growing, and I can't possibly imagine my late nights without an episode or two of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.