Coming Out Stories: Brandon

 Disclaimer: What you are about to read is what I am hoping to be a regular series on my blog which I have called "Coming Out Stories". This is an effort to promote awareness and support to STOP the bullying of LGBTQ Youth as well as an effort to inspire those that may be afraid to walk in their truth and be who they are. I will be posting each story as I get them, and I hope you will enjoy. Here is my OWN story:

I guess...growing up, I was actually pretty blithely unaware of myself. I was a pretty independent child with quite the mouth on him starting at the age of three years old. I had kids that I would play with, but most of the time I was by myself. I created my own worlds, my own characters, my own creations. I had a world that was solely mine, people that existed only to me, and rules that I applied to everyday life. A dream state. My Mother would probably tell you that she knew I was gay at the Age of Three. I had an imaginary friend named Iola around that time. I played with Iola all the time. I know it sounds crazy, but I definitely remember her. She would just sit and listen to me go on and on about everything I was thinking about, she would play with me, and honestly I didn't think she was imaginary at all. I thought she was our next door neighbor at the time. It wasn't until I looked back MANY years later that I realized I was the only person who ever had ANY interaction with her. She also looked exactly like the character Iola Boylen from "Mama's Family". For those of you who are too young to remember the show, or have forgotten, this is exactly what my imaginary friend looked like.

Here's Your Sign. At the age of 5 I got in trouble at my school which was a Christian Private School for singing "Like A Prayer" by Madonna on the playground, which please take a moment to understand and realize how ridiculous this is. I was five years old, I had no idea the subtext of the music video, I just remember singing it along with my Uncle who sometimes babysat me. "Like A Prayer" was the first complete song I ever learned. Here's Your Sign.

I never liked playing with "Boy" things. When I was also 5, my mother got married and I inherited a Step Brother as well as eventually a Sister. My Step Father was a guys' guy. He was a hick from a small town in Northern California, and though I remember having a LOT of fun with him growing up, he is where I experienced my first bouts of Homophobia. I don't think he was TRYING to be homophobic, I think he really just thought I needed a strong male figure in my life. He would try to get me to play guy things like baseball, soccer, shooting guns, things of that nature. And some of them, yeah I did like, but really? If i'm being honest? After my sister was born and about 3 or 4 years old, all I really wanted to do is play with her and her Barbies. Here's Your Sign.

I remember my Stepfather getting angry and I remember him telling my Mother on more than one occassion "You know he's gonna grow up and be gay right?" Gay. That was the first time I had ever heard that word, I didn't even know what it meant, but it was really the first time I had heard a characteristic applied to me that I didn't understand...but I never really put much stock in it, it did however create tension between my mother and my Stepfather. I think part of the problem I had growing up was that every man that entered my Mom's life tried to be "My Father", and if i'm being honest, i've never met my birth father and I really just don't feel like I missed out on anything important. To me it didn't matter if I could throw a football well, it mattered that I knew things about the world. I think I was definitely a product of being somewhat "raised" by television, which is not to say my Mother wasn't a good mother, but she was a single Mom for most of my life and worked her ass off, I spent a lot of time alone or babysitting my sister, or being babysat and the easiest solution for children, unfortunately is USUALLY Television.


I always tried to watch things that were way beyond my field of reference and understand them, whatever this "adult" world was, I wanted to be a part of it, which would explain the very mouthy, matter of factness I had in my youth. I was drawn to TV shows and movies where the women were in control or had power or somewhat of a scandal about them. I thought they were beautiful, and they weren't supposed to have this power, at least I didn't think so when I was young, but they did. I was raised around mostly women. My childhood friends were my Mom's Best Friend's children, who were all girls. In order to hang out and play with them, I had to fit in. So when I got the Hot Wheels toy instead of the Barbie toy in my McDonald's Happy Meal? I threw a fit. I was very fortunate however, to have a mother who never asked questions, who didn't care if I played with a girl toy, a boy toy, or a cardboard box as long as I was happy. 


So, even with my "feminine" dispositions, I lived a relatively normal childhood, for the most part free of really anyone making fun of me for being who I was. This all changed when I entered Junior High. 


The town I live in is actually a pretty Liberal and open town, but 12 - 14 year old children are not a part of that. I have said time and time again that Junior High is NOTORIOUSLY the worst years for most kids who are different. For whatever reason, when we reach preadolescence we become horrible DEMON spawns who mask our differences by blatantly and RUDELY pointing out the differences of others, I will start by saying that yeah, I definitely engaged in the name calling, and taunting myself, as I feel if I DIDN'T say that I would be portraying myself as some kind of righteous sweet person who never had a hand in the tormenting of others. We ALL did. EVERYBODY had somebody they made fun or did something nasty to. We were ALL at that age once. I am not saying what I experienced was WORSE than others, but I can only speak from my own story and truth. 


The first person I ever really remember being a BULLY to me was in the 7th Grade. His name was Tony Mullins. I use his full name because I have never been a fan of discretion in any form. He didn't make fun of me because he knew me to be gay, HE made fun of me because I was fat. In gym class, he would run next to me while I ran and TAUNT me, saying things "Come on, fatty. You better pick up the pace! Run fat ass, run!" It was TERRIBLE...everything that I did, he would make some comment to make me feel pretty much like shit. I dreaded that class and pretty much every PE Class after that because of people like him. It was the first time I really ever remember feeling self conscious, not good enough. And after 7th grade, it only got worse.


In the 8th and 9th grade, I was pretty much tormented by a guy named Marcos Rivas. Again, I use his full name because I don't believe in discretion, and for him to have had the balls as a 14 year old boy to say and do the things he did to me, he should also have the balls to stand in his truth. As luck would always seem to have it, whatever bully I had ended up being in at least three or four of my classes, and Marcos was no exception. I VIVIDLY remember sitting in my Earth Sciences class in 9th grade and getting assigned to be in his lab group. The entire class he would literally say such things as "You know you're gay right? You know you like to suck dick right? Does your boyfriend like when you suck his dick?" It was degrading and embarrassing as he would do this in front of other people, ANYBODY who would listen, and I never felt worse about myself than in 9th Grade Earth Science class. I had another bully in Spanish in the 9th grade named David Garcia who would pretty much take any chance to tell me that I was gay and ask me how much I liked penis.


9th grade was... a terrible year. I even had a teacher be blatantly homophobic to me my freshman year. I was in Math A AKA Slow People Math and had a teacher named Mr. Keating who is still a teacher at the high school I went to. He was a man who had very much lived out his best days in high school and it showed in almost everything he did and said. He didn't want to be an authority figure, he wanted to be buddies. In class he pointed out several times my feminine tendencies, once even knit-picking the way that I covered my mouth to cover my laugh. I merely covered it with both my hands while he pointed out in front of the class that "Only girls cover there mouths like that and that boys should make a fist to do so." Yeah, seriously. Also once on a field trip across the street to the Safeway I remember him telling me that I should maybe not say all the things I say and then people would not make fun of me. Yeah, this was a teacher in my school.


So you can see how in all of this, I never told anybody. I never told a damn soul, because from my opinion, it was coming from every direction, and that this being "gay" thing was a giant problem. I wasn't trying to "be" anything but myself, but it seemed to draw a lot of attention, a lot of "scandal." The funny thing was, I was somewhat known for being one of the biggest smart asses to ever walk the halls of the school, but it was bravado, it was all an act. I had to appear confident, I had to appear like it didn't phase me, otherwise I would have probably been VERY far off.  But in a WAY, this actually started me on a path to figure out who I was...when people tell you that you act gay, or that you ARE gay, you begin to think...maybe I AM gay? 


I felt a little asexual in high school. I wasn't really attracted to anybody in particular..but I DID know that when I masturbated, it was to images of men...and for some strange reason usually the men who were mean to me, almost as a coping mechanism to deal with the verbal assault. I never dated, and although girls were interested in me, the only interest I had in THEM was the confusion on as to why they were interested in me in the first place. I really didn't feel like a sexual human being, which just makes one feel more isolated. I felt pretty alone, and if not for escapes like the Internet or TV, I probably would have attempted something far more dangerous. I never used alcohol or drugs while I was growing up and in school, it was just never an option for me. I dealt by living in fantasy, I dealt by maintaining HOPE that once I was done with school, I could be FREE, I could go and do what I wanted and nobody would care. And you know what? It turned out, that for the most part...I was right.


After high school, I moved to Carson City, Nevada. I wanted to get out of Chico but still have family nearby, and my grandparents and cousin happened to live in Carson City, so I felt a little safe. I lived with my cousin in a one bedroom depressing apartment, had no car, walked to my glamorous job at KFC everyday, and again had very little social interaction. For those of you who know me today, it might be hard to believe that from the ages of 13 to about 19 most of friends were "online". I didn't go to parties, hang out, I didn't really... have any friends. If it wasn't for my cousin Airen all but forcing me to participate in my life, I don't know where I might be today, and for that I thank her.


Through my cousin, I met many different people from all walks of life and had my encounter with my first actual openly gay person, and his name was Pedro. He was a VERY effeminate, loud and crazy personality and to be quite honest he scared the hell out of me. I thought that if I admitted that I was gay to myself that all of a sudden I would become very much like Pedro. The only other gay people I had seen until that point in my life had been from watching scrambled "Queer as Folk" on SHO in my bedroom in high school. Again I was very afraid that once I said it out loud, that once I admitted this truth, I would become a dancing queen gym bunny who slept with anything that moved and couldn't live without techno. I thought it would transform me in a way I didn't want or like.


After a lot of deep personal thought, I couldn't help but think that the reason I really wasn't enjoying my life was because I wasn't living authentically. I didn't have relationships with people because they didn't know who I really was. I spent every single day waking up repeating "I'm Gay. I'm Gay, I'm Gay, I'm Gay" all day long, almost as if I had to convince myself. Six months later it changed to "Today I'm going to tell somebody that I'm gay." and before long...I finally worked up the courage. I had gotten a job at Starbucks and was starting to make a lot of new friends, and I decided that it was time to really just put myself out there. The first person I ever told was my co-worker and friend Monica Ward. We were closing at Starbucks together and I told her that after work I really needed to talk to her, and so... in the parking lot of a Starbucks in Carson City, NV in the year 2005 I told my friend Monica that I was gay. I chose her first because I was pretty sure that she would have the most positive of reactions of my friends, and I was right. She told me pretty much what everyone else after her would tell me. "I know, babe. I was just waiting for you to know."


VERY THANKFULLY for me, I was blessed with family and friends that were MORE than supportive of me and my confession. I thank God everyday that I have the people in my life that I do. I was one of the very lucky ones to never experience that horrible pain of somebody NOT accepting my truth, of somebody DISOWNING me. I was LUCKY. VERY LUCKY and am not ignorant of the fact.


The next months of my life were a whirlwind as my social calender opened up, I met my first long term boyfriend, Kalib who would be in my life for the next 3 years, I moved out from my cousin and I's small apartment and in with a roommate. I drank alcohol, and I didn't die. I LIVED life. All because I was finally able to be WHO I was to EVERYBODY, and my happiness wasn't based on their reactions, it was based on me being AUTHENTICALLY me. I didn't have to be overcompensating with humor or sarcasm or opinion or anything. I got to be ME. I had shed the sins and hurt of the past and fully accepted BRANDON.


Five years later, I am sitting here, working for a small locally owned business BACK in my hometown. A company that has 6 employees that fall in the LGTBQ umbrella, and NOBODY talks about it, nobody cares. It's a diverse company because it simply is. I have a boyfriend who I love and adore. A man who was married and has TWO children and an amazing support system around him. I have so many great gay friends, with so many different stories from so many different walks of life, all with a different frame of reference and perspective and THAT is what this story is all about. I think it's important to share the stories of the people that I love in an effort to pay it forward. To show people that it doesn't MATTER where you came from, that who you WERE isn't as important as the person that you are TRYING to be. You CAN find happiness, and that if you just wait out those painful days, months, hours, seconds that seem to drive DEEP into your very soul, that you inevitably come out stronger and happy. Your life is yours, nobody has to live it but you. You have nothing to lose but what no longer serves you. TRUST ME. It DOES get better.

The Temptation Factor

I have to admit, when I started writing this blog, I thought it was going to be a lot more "Pop Culture" centered and a lot less personal. But, I've noticed the stories I enjoy writing the most are, in true narcissist fashion, about me and my life, and this time it's no different. So deal with it.

Today's topic is Temptation.

Everybody deals with temptation, in fact, most societal and social constructs are BASED on temptation. RELIGION is based out of temptation, all because some bitch decided she needed that APPLE instead of one of the many delicious animals around her. Seriously, that APPLE over a nice venison stew? This proves my point that Vegetarianism is INHERENTLY evil, but I digress.

Look at Her...Just EVIL.

In making these changes in my life, I notice that I am being tempted a LOT. None of it is purposeful, but since i've never made the conscious decision to say NO to something I wanted but knew wasn't good for me before, I am now faced with decisions and situations i've never dealt with before.

Smoking is of course the biggest one. Since i've stopped smoking it seems like the rest of the world has started up. I was downtown the other day with a friend and it seemed like everybody around me was smoking, lighting up, taking the delicious smoke into their lungs and exhaling it like kings, while I scratched my Nicotine patch and ate a salad.

"Look At Me! On TOP of the Fuckin' World!"

On my walk home, I passed three people just walking along the street, smoking, living their lives, their devil may care attitudes almost bitch slapping in the face as I drank my iced coffee and went about my day. Had I stopped smoking I never would have noticed this. I wouldn't care, because I would be one of them. "Oh you're smoking? Well watch me smoke two at ONCE! God I feel so ALIVE!" But i'm not, and I can't help but feel like maybe I am missing out on something, as stupid as I know that to be. I actually LIKE not smoking, I feel better, I don't cough up my lungs every morning, I feel I have more energy, blood is actually circulating through my body again, and I don't smell like smoke, still I can't help but feel like i'm missing out.


The other thing is eating. I have eaten more vegetables, fish, etc. in the past week than I have in all of 2011 and, again I feel REALLY good, but I just keep getting faced with these decisions i've never had to make before. My partner happens to be one of those blessed with a very small frame and fast metabolism. He doesn't eat SUPER healthy, but he does okay, and hell for the most part, we end up eating the same thing. His waist remains the size of a Russian Ballerina while my waist size expands to that of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. It's not fair, and i've learned to accept it.

I Only Eat Air!

Mmm, Bitch! Bring Me More GRAVY!

He is super supportive of the new choices i've made, but he also isn't going out of his way to help out, and I don't expect him to. He has two kids, and they aren't going to eat seared ahi tuna steaks, they want BBQ Chicken and Potato Salad, they want Burgers and the like, and I could eat like that if I wanted it. It's right in front of me, it's already prepared. Some would say just go to the gym and burn it off but I am not doing this in order to just lose weight, i'm doing it as a part of an extreme personal makeover. I want to be healthy. I don't want to lose my leg to Diabetes at 30. I want to LIVE dammit, I want to LIVE! I have to look at the burgers people are eating around me, and try to enjoy my Turkey Burger (and before ANYBODY says anything, it's NOT the fucking same. A Turkey Burger will NEVER taste as good as a regular burger because it's a TURKEY!)

Turkey Burger = Not the Business.

We are told VERY conflicting things about temptation. In terms of dieting, one line of thought is that you shouldn't withhold certain things from yourself because they will drive you crazy and you will fall off the wagon and the other side says PUT DOWN THAT DONUT FATASS AND GET ON THE TREADMILL. What's a guy to do?

Here is what i've come to believe about temptation. There are certain things that you just don't ever do...like kill somebody (unless you know you will CERTAINLY get away with it). Don't overindulge in temptation otherwise it's not a temptation, it's a habit, it's normal. There is NO mystique about this behavior. It becomes who you are. You will be the bitch everybody knows that can clear a buffet in 3.5 and have room for the Tiramisu.

"Hey Ya'll! Did Somebody Say Buffet? Gimme, Gimme More...HOTWINGS!"

 

 

I also believe that you DO need room in order to give into temptation, because a lot of times we beat ourselves up too much about things. Having a handful of chips isn't going to kill you, Eating Six Bags of Chips will Stop Your Heart. So... I guess I am a fan of the addage "Everything in Moderation" which is why I guess this has been a difficult time for me as I only EVER do anything in excess... I don't want one drink, I want to get chocolate wasted. I don't want just a few chips, I want the whole damn bag, I don't want one cigarette, I want one coming out of every oraphus of my body all at once. I guess i'm just learning to apply this factor the healthy parts of my life. I can eat a shit ton of carrots if I want. I can work out until I want to pass out, and I can drink water like it WILL get me mothafuckin' chocolate wasted, and the GOOD part about this is that the more I indulge in the healthy side of things, the more I can feel GOOD about myself when I do decide to engage in the healthy social binge drinking I like to do every now and again.

The EPITOME of Chocolate Wasted? Wait, is this Racist?

So, my advice to those that are maybe going through what I am right now, who feel a little over their heads with the New Years Resolutions you've made, is that EVERYDAY is a choice. EVERYDAY is a new day, and you know what, when I do small things, I reward the shit out of myself, I make everybody nauseaus with telling them how good a job I did, even if it's I ate a bag of carrots instead of having a cigarette or a pound of Chow Mein. Talk it out, share your excitement, because you know, your friends WANT you to be healthy, they want you to be happy, and make good decisions, and who knows, maybe celebrating the small victories will lead to celebrating bigger victories, and you just might inspire one of your OWN friends to make a change for themselves?

"Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"

Okay, I feel SUPER Self Help Book Right Now, so I am going to quit while i'm ahead. Keep on Keeping On, and Stay Strong, Temptation Warriors.

Girl! I Got Acupuncture!

So, before I go forward with today's story, just want to announce that I went on the patch this last Sunday and have now been SMOKE FREE ever since, bitches! That's over 4, count 'em FOUR mothafuckin' days! Feel free to send me gift baskets or make a plaque or something. Anywho, in researching the many different methods people take to stop smoking, I stumbled across something called Acupuncture.

Acupuncture is a type of alternative medicine that treats patients by insertion and manipulation of solid, generally thin needles in the body. People do this for many different reasons, most of them including Pain Management and Depression, it's a fascinating thing i've always wanted to try,and so when I found out my friend Jenn now works for an Acupuncture Project that just opened up in my town, I knew I had to try it, and while at lunch with her the other day she happened to give me a coupon that would make my first session only FIVE dollars. I had no choice but to go and give it a try, I mean what else did I have to lose besides feeling in my face?

So I went online and booked the appointment and today I went in the morning with my friend Janel to go get poked.The location is small and a little grim, but that's mostly because I very vividly remember that this place used to be a methodone clinic. As I entered the front door I did a hail mary and prayed that they had bought new sets of needles.

The inside of the building is in stark constrast to the outside. There is the standard New Agey Relaxing Music, Earth Tone Paintings and a Hippy Lady at the front desk who greeted me in a soft whisper of a voice:

Lady: Welcome to Pinwheel! You Must Be Brandon!

Yeah the name of the project is called Pinwheel. Hilarious! And half of the reason I decided to go. She gave me a questionnaire that had me answer a few questions about why I was there and such. Now most of you probably think I went to go get Smoking Cessation or Weight Management, but fuck you, I didn't. I went for Mood, Energy and Motivation. I figured with all the changes I am making in my life, I have noticed a real effect on my energy and mood. When you don't rely on smoking and coffee for your energy and only the nutrients you feed your body throughout the day, you tend to get tired easily. My energy has been platteauing at around 2pm and just really drags me down. I wanted to maybe have it work on my Mood to help maintain a positive attitude throughout this process as well as to work on perhaps my biggest issue which is Motivation and Focus. It's the reason i've let myself get to the point I am now at. The smoking, the eating and the exercise I wanted to do simply on my own, for me. But for the other stuff I turned to acupuncture.

After, I filled out my questionnaire, I was taken into a main room that had MANY Lazy Boy Recliners covered in sheets and several people with many needles sticking out of MANY places fast asleep. I was nervous. I am not really a GROUP person. I hate GROUP therapy, GROUP dates...the only thing I like in groups is Sex, so unless we were about to get naked and get down, I was a little unsure. As I settled down and sat in the comfy recliner, I was asked to take off my shoes and roll my pants up. Oh! So it WAS sexytime? Hell Yeah. I learned a few seconds later that it was not, as my Acupuncturist (Is that a Word?) Michelle came up and greeted me in the same whisper, that was the thing about this place, everything was done in a whisper. I was afraid she would hear my need for motivation as "chronic burning urination" and never be the same again. However, it was quite the contrary, Michele was VERY nice and attentive and before long, I was stuck full of pins and told to sit there for 45 minutes:

The waiting was the hardest part. Michelle informed me that most people just kind of fall asleep in a very relaxing nap. That was not going to happen for me. I am SITTING in a goddamn recliner with pins in my HEAD, my EARS, my ARMS and my LEGS. I didn't want to frickin' MOVE, let alone drift off to sleep because as my boyfriend can attest I am quite the active mover and shaker when I sleep.

At this point, I felt bad for asking my friend Janel to come with me, because I thought we would be like a little more alone and that I could maybe talk with Janel to get over the nervousness, but I like I said we were in an open room with other people who seemed completely ignorant to the fact that they were strung up like pincushions. I just kind of wanted to LAUGH about the whole thing because it's very odd to look at yourself with all these needles just hanging out in your skin. I should have told her about my blood transfusion in the 80's..but we were past that point.

The pain of the needles actually didn't really hurt at all, and I guess I will liken the pain to getting a shot that hurts exponentially less than the needle of a shot feels. Most of the needles I couldn't even feel, though the ones in my ears and legs, I definitely felt. I tried to have Janel take a picture of me all poked and prodded but we both felt that in the current situation it would have been a little innappropriate, because like I said, most people are there for pain management, not for getting off their asses and cleaning the kitchen on a regular basis like me.

I tried to zone out and listen to the music and it WAS relaxing but I did have ONE complaint about it. I am pretty sure it had some kind of baby whale sound effect to it. Every 10 or 15 seconds or so in the music there was this weird subtle like...whining baby whale noise...it was NOT relaxing at all.

I really tried my best to relax and close my eyes and just be in the moment, and I think that for the most part I did, but my fear of death via needles kept me awake. I waited until the earliest possible moment I could officially be done and waved Michelle over who promptly took the pins out of me and thanked me for my first visit. She then handed me a card that told me of my "Plan" she reccommended. She reccommended that I try and go twice a week and that after 8 sessions we would do somewhat of a progress report, see if it was working for me and see where we needed to fix things. And just like that, I paid my five dollars and I was DONE.

During the process I did have a few involuntary "ticks" in the spots where I had needles and I did feel like there WAS an... "energy" kind of pulsing in my body and afterwards I had a kind of rush similar to when one gets a tattoo. They say that after your first session you are supposed to feel 5 to 10 percent better and I have to admit I DID. I wasn't bursting with intense supernatural strength and vigor, but I noticed there WAS a little more of a bounce in my stance. I was singing along to the radio a little more, had a little bit more SWAGGER if you will. Ain't nothing but a G Thang, Baby.

So I guess... I will be going back and the best part about this place is that payment is on a sliding scale. They realize that this kind of thing can be a little pricey and their goal is to help people of ALL walks of life to get this kind of therapy. You pay from $15 to $35. That's it! Whatever you can afford and no questions asked! And I think THAT's pretty cool. In a world where a trip in an ambulence costs you $1000 and where Health Insurance is BASICALLY unnaffordable unless you are already rich, this seems like a very nice and interesting alternative treatment for things that can get REALLY expensive like pain medications.

My Final Prognosis: If You Can Get Through the needle stigma, I say what do you have to lose?

If You Happen to be from Chico, CA like me, I am going to include a link to the website as well as their Facebook page, get a little info and maybe make an appointment!

Pinwheel Chico

The Pinwheel Community Acupuncture Project on Facebook




Peace.Love.Dorothy

One Time, I Almost Killed My Cat

When I  was three years old, before my sister was born, back when it was just my Mother and I, a period of which i've nicknamed "The Golden Age", I had a cat named Sassy. She was a black and white mut of a cat that lived with us in a small house right next to an Orchard in a town called Paradise, California. Don't the let the name of the town fool you, it's a hell hole. One day, i'll blog about it, but for now, let's just talk about Sassy.

Note: This is NOT Actually Sassy, this is just what she looked like. Cute, Right?

At 3 years old, Sassy was my best friend. I carted her around everywhere. I played with her all the time and she was always curled up right next to me during my daily nap. Naturally, I was very protective of her. I wanted to make sure she was happy, healthy and always had a shoulder to cry on. So when she came to me later that year pregnant, and out of wedlock at that, I did not judge my WHORE of a cat. I took a deep breath, gave her a big hug and started paying EXTRA close attention to her.

10 years later in 3 year old years (weeks), Sassy gave birth to her kittens. Since of course my hooker of a cat did not know exactly who the father of her babies was, I knew I had to step up to the plate and be their Stepfather. I would be firm, but loving and always there to lend a hand when I could. I was ready. The next few weeks would result in probably some of the most stressful and terrifying in my Mother's life.

I decided I would start with the basics and teach Sassy and her Kittens how to swim because for some reason at the time I thought we lived by a river which in fact we did not, but I was three and thought every town had a lake, a river, a creek, a beach, a rock quarry, etc. I was scared because I thought they would get stuck in the river and drown. I was trying to be a good father! So...where does one teach kittens how to swim? OF COURSE! A Kitty Pool...at least that is what I thought it was called at the time.

So while my mom was in the kitchen, I pulled my small little pool into the yard and began filling it up with water. I got a few towels and a few floaties and slowly but surely rounded Sassy and the kittens up. I had never had swimming lessons and had no idea how to swim myself, but my three year old bravado told me that I was more than qualified to teach this class. I cracked my knuckles and my neck and got to work. I grabbed the first kitten by the neck, like Mama Lions do and PLUNGED him/her deep into the water for five seconds before lifting him/her back up and drying it off with the towel. BAM! That kitten now knew how to swim. Easy as that! What a fucking genius I was. Why were there EVER cats that drowned when learning to swim was so easy? Whatever the case, I quickly followed suit with the rest of the kittens. Then it was Sassy's turn.

Sassy was a little resistant to say the least, but I got it, she had just given birth to her babies, and still a little self conscious in her bikini, but after a little begrudgement, I had scooped her up into her arms and convinced her that this was for the family. I plunged her DEEP into the less than 2 feet of water. And that....is when my Mother came outside screaming and waving her arms.

Mama: BRANDON MICHAEL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SASSY!

This was good. This meant that she hadn't seen me teach the kittens how to swim. I was in the clear.

Me: MOM! I'm teaching Sassy and the Kittens how to Swim! I don't want them to drown in the river! Do you! Are you THAT horrible?!?!

Mama: BRANDON! Don't you talk back to me you little bastard! Clean this mess up and dry Sassy off by the next time I walk out here! MOVE!

And then she stormed off. I then realized how horrible my mother was. You could tell she was jealous of my new family, and that she didn't think I should have Step Children at such a young age. She didn't understand! I had to take care of these cats!

Now I had to somehow MAGICALLY dry off Sassy like a wizard before my Mom got back in the yard which I was sure was in the next five seconds. I hurried the kittens away into the garage and put the kiddy pool away, and scooped up Sassy into my arms.

How was I going to dry off this cat this fast? It seemed damn near impossible. That's when I had a brilliant idea? Where did my MOM go to dry things VERY quickly? The Laundry Room on the Porch of course! So I skipped off to the side door of the porch and entered the Laundry Room. Thanks to my Supreme Intelligence I actually was able to figure out WHICH machine was the Dryer and promptly threw Sassy in, banging at things until I heard it start before quickly running back outside like nothing happened.

I didn't even make it to the side yard when I heard the DEMONIC screams of my mother once more!

Mama: BRANDON MICHAEL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TODAY!?! YOU CAN'T PUT A CAT IN THE DRYER! SHE'LL DIE! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK.

Me: Yes.

Mama: WHAT?!!?!?!?!??!

Me: Nothing... but MOM! You told me to dry her off and FAST!!! That's what you DO! If you don't want me to use the Dryer than YOU shouldn't! It's NOT FAIR!

Mama: YOU LITTLE BAST---- (counting to 10 in her head...coming back with the caring and concerned Mom voice.) Brandon, dear. Things like clothes go in the dryer, but Kitties and People, they can't go in there. It's way too hot, it could have BAKED Sassy, like a Chicken. You don't want that to happen do you?

Me: OF COURSE NOT! I would NEVER want to hurt SASSY! I LOVE HER!!!! *cries*

Mama: Oh Jesus Christ, come here. I know you love her, but just leave her alone so she can cool off. A dryer can get hot! I'm gonna get you some juice and some crackers and how about you play inside for awhile?

I agreed, feeling like a failure. All I wanted to do was take care of Sassy and my Step-Kitties, and at every turn it seemed like I was failing them. I was was a miserable Step Father. I had to make it up to Sassy! I almost cooked her alive! As I entered the kitchen and sat down, watching as my Mother went to go fold Laundry in her bedroom, I began to try and think of ways to make it up to Sassy. Maybe I could buy her something? No.. I was saving for a She-Ra doll and my Piggy Bank was too cute to shatter. Maybe if I could cool her down before her organs finished melting she would forgive me? It seemed like my only option.

Scooting off my chair, I entered the Living Room and found Sassy, scooping her in my arms, and petting her. Oh man, she SEEMED hot. What had I done. It was at this time, looking back, I realize that either Sassy was just an extremely loyal cat or a little mentally retarded. No cat I have ever met in my life would have allowed themselves to be put through what I had put her through and still love me, and as much as my adult brain wants to lean towards retardation, the Child in my heart knows that it was but PURE LOVE.

Anywho, I scooted my chair over the kitchen counter next to the fridge and finagled my way up with Sassy in my arms.

Me: I'm so sorry my beloved. I didn't mean to cook your brains! We gotta cool you down!

That's when I opened the freezer door, shoved her in and closed it.

I figured about five to ten minutes would be just enough to cool her down and restore her faith in me so I quickly moved my chair back to the table and continued eating my snack like nothing had happened. A few minutes later, my Mom entered the kitchen ready to start preparing dinner. She looked at me, dead in the eyes with an almost paranormal sense that she knew something was up.

Mama: Brandon...where is Sassy?

I didn't want to answer. I was sure at this point that my mother's sole purpose in life was to spoil all my plans. She didn't support me when I told her I was leaving the house to be a professional Jungle Explorer earlier that year and she wasn't supporting the mantle of father I had recently placed myself with. I begrudgingly answered.

Me: She's...cooling off...like you said.

Mama: Oh Dear GOD...what have you DONE?!

She instinctively ran to the freezer and burst open the door, scooping the cat into her arms and looked at me, almost frightened.

Mama: (under her breath): I'm raising a serial killer... I just know it.... *rubbing her temple* Brandon..I get that you are trying to take care of Sassy...but just like you can't put a cat in the DRYER you certainly can't put them in the FREEZER!!!!!

Me: But MOM! I was trying to cool her off! You're sending REALLY mixed signals you know? First she is wet so I try and dry her off, and then she is too hot and I try to cool her down and NOW she is too Cold? What are you trying to do, Woman? RUIN ME?!

Mama: Oh we are NOT doing this again today! Let me make it clear for then! If you so much as TOUCH this cat or those kittens at ALL for any reason today I will give you a spanking that will go down in the RECORD BOOKS for it's Brutality. Do you understand?!

She had won. She had won and she knew it....

Me: Yes...I understand...

And just like that, my Stepfather duties were relinquished from me. I had reach the peak of the mountain only to be pushed off the top by a vindictive and controlling demon of a mother. The rest of my days were spent playing with toys, and watching children's movies and playing with my Stupid Friends.

There are a few morals to this story:

1. Never leave a 3 year old with a penchant for curiosity alone with ANY animal. They will only end up hurt and/or microwaved.

2. Single Mothers should be given a medal for the amount of shit they have to put up with on their own.

3. OBVIOUSLY, I don't condone the harming of any animals. This was just the only way, I as a three year old could think to take care of my cat. Which at THREE years old, I think is VERY brilliant.

4. Being a Stepfather is hard. You have to deal with the emotional strain of not being your new children's real father, and the sting of knowing that your new lady really wanted a life with somebody else, but since that didn't work out, she turned to you. 2nd best. Try and live with THAT.

And before I go, I think you might all be wondering what became of Sassy. Well, even after the day I almost killed her three times, she still curled up in my lap at every nap time, she still sat by my side wherever I went, and whenever she could get out of the house she got her mothafuckin' FREAK on like you wouldn't believe and continued to have illegitimate kittens all over town, and SO...she met the fate that many other small children's pets meet once their parents realize that it's too much to take care of kids by themselves let ALONE with ANIMALS...and Sassy "Ran Away" AKA my Mother took her SKANKY ass to the pound.
Also...please note this was 1989 and spaying and neutering animals was not as common as it is today, and that the awareness just wasn't there. It is also EXPONENTIALLY less expensive to spay or neuter your animal than it was, and so before you villanize my mother, take a good look at her:

This is my mother. The one in the middle, the other two are hopefully very apparent DRAG QUEENS. This is a woman who single-handedly raised me to be who I was, an open and honest, proud gay person. A woman who loves me and will HANG OUT and converse with my friends even if they are six foot tall Drag Queens. She is kick ass, and although from the ages of 3 - 19 I may have been plotting her demise. I now realize how cool she is and always was.

Love You Mom, and Sassy.. I will never forget your kind, fun-loving, skanky, dirty ass.

This Blog Post Sponsored by PETA.

Chay Chay Koolay

When I was a kid, I pretty much hung out with the same three people. This would later explain my stunted social skills and obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I digress.

First there was Stephanie.

She was older and seemingly cooler. She knew things that I didn't and had access to things that I just wasn't allowed to have yet like CDs and a futon bunkbed. She was also a fearless tyrant who couldn't lose ANYTHING and if she did, she would lock herself in her room with her CDs and futon bunkbed and not let anyone play with her stuff for the rest of the day. She was kind of a bitch.


Then there was Meghann.

She was only two years younger than me, and for most of my childhood and adolescence she was my partner in crime. She had an amazing imagination and playing with her was never boring. For instance, we could never just play Barbies. Our Barbies had fucking background stories and Mommy Issues. "Alright, so now your Barbie lives in the glamour trailor because her mom kicked her out for flunking law school and she meets me who is homeless and just looking for a friend, and then later we can move into the dream mansion." Whenever Stephanie would stop playing with me, there was always, Meghann.

Lastly, there was my little sister, Heather.

 Unfortunately for my little sister, she usually got the wrong end of the stick and I spent a lot of my childhood making her miserable and discluding her from as many things as possible. For instance, she would play the Barbie that was horribly burned in Glamour Trailer before we moved into the Dream Mansion. Thankfully, she grew up to be a very well adjusted individual. Adversity builds character I always remind her. This doesn't soothe her.

The thing about kids is that there is always a heirarchy, there is order. You construct social politics in order to feel special. You like to know where you stand as a kid, and you always want to be the coolest. It's a competition, and you hate anything that threatens that. And that was how it was for me. In our group, Stephanie was the leader, she had the big kid room, the coolest toys and the most sway with our parents. Unfortunately, Stephanie knew this and a lot of our time was spent keeping her happy so that she would continue to play with us. Then, it was a power struggle between Meghann and myself. Stephanie would pit us against each other for her favor, and although we were the closest of the four, I feel as if we both kept each other close in the spirit of "Keep Your Friends Close and the Bitch Who Tries to Outshine You Closer." And then there was Heather, always the bottom of the totem pole unless the older kids all got pissed off at each other. Heather LOVED those days.

Well I remember when I was about 9 years old, my older cousin Airen came to live with us.

She was the same age as Stephanie and immediately, she was a threatening form in my life. First, Stephanie and Airen had more in common. Like I said, they were the same age, had the same cool stuff, DOUBLED if they put it together, and were both girls. I couldn't win against her. Every day I woke up with her in my house was like DEATH. I knew I had to do something about her, I had to flex my power, or I would have to hang out with HEATHER, a fate at the time that was worse than Lepracy.

It was at this time, that Stephanie, Meghann, Heather and myself had formed a club that we had called "Chay Chay Koolay" don't ask us why but it even had it's own theme song to the tune of the Captain Planet theme. We didn't know what it meant, and we didn't care, we were young and had the rest of our lives together. Stephanie was, of course, the President of the club because our clubhouse was her bedroom, Meghann was Vice President, a move I allowed in order to gain favor with her, I was the Treasurer thinking it would be smarter to be in control of club funds, and Heather...well her title was Officer. Everyday in the Summer we would meet in Stephanie's Room to discuss business:

Stephanie: Alright Folks! This Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay is now in session! What do we have on the docket today, Vice President Meghann?

Meghann: Well.... we need to write in our journals about our day and then we need to talk to Brandon about how our fundraising efforts to have our parents buy us a slushi machine is going.

Stephanie: Sounds Good, Comrades! Let the journal writing COMMENCE!

It was glorious...until...Stephanie wanted AIREN to join the club. I was flabbergasted. AIREN? Stupid AIREN? She hadn't put any time in with the group! She knew nothing! Surely we couldn't let HER into the club?!?! What was becoming of my life? 9 years of hard work trying to get to the top and here I was ready to get uprooted by some BITCH. I had to do something.

SO...I pointed out that it wouldn't be a club if everyone was invited, which in the spirit of exclusivity seemed to appeal to Stephanie the Beast. I decided that if we were going to submit a new canidate for Chay Chay Koolay that Airen shouldn't be the only. I suggested my Step Brother:

 Now... let me explain my Stepbrother Mikey. He is a really great guy. He is also one of the weirdest people i've ever met in my entire life. He was only 8 months older than me, and at this point in his life, most of the time he liked to be considered a cat. I'm not joking. a fucking cat. When all of us would play House, he would want to be the CAT... In the car he would make this velociraptor voice from Jurassic Park just to irritate my Mother. On top of that, he was born extremely premature and during his birth, the Doctor's scratched his voice box, which at 9 years old...made him sound odd. I know that's terrible to make fun of, but kids are kids, and they tend to at least point out things that are different than him. I decided that he would be my scapegoat. He would never rise to anything in the club because he was weird and it would mean that AIREN would NOT be a part of Chay Chay Koolay.

We set up a Gauntlet. A series of trials and tribulations. The winner, would gain admission to the club. Stephanie chose the first task, which seemed simple: Climb the Tree in the Back Yard.

What Stephanie failed to mention to our two canidates was this tree was always COVERED with Fire Ants, mean, STARVING fire ants. Nobody climbed that tree and lived. I guess Stephanie decided that if we were gonna do this, we were gonna DO this..mmkay?

Airen was up first. I could tell she was shaking and nervous, but determined. She wanted in the club.. she WANTED to take me down, I could TELL in her beady little eyes. Meghann held up the flag that was really one of our Mother's T-Shirts and shot the Gun!

Meghann: GOOOO!!!!!!!!

Airen ran at the tree, grasping at the base and starting to climb. She was making good speed, and doing fairly well...well no. She was doing GOOD. It was as if she was BORN to climb! She was going to do this and win! She was going to RUIN my life. I was PRAYING for Fire Ants at this point, PRAYING for some divine intervention. And that's when it happened. While grasping onto a branch, and using it as leverage to ascend to the top, they came. The fire ants, and they didn't come slowly... Heh heh, that's what HE said. They swarmed her hand, BITING, protecting their territory! Her screams were FURIOUS and LOUD, and they warmed my damn heart. Watching her fall was very reminiscent of that epic fall from that Lady in Cliffhanger. She hit the ground with a thud. Everyone was quiet. Would she wake up? Was she dead? By the time she came to, Mikey had ascended that tree and eaten every fire ant on it like he was a goddamn anteater.

Airen - 0
Mikey - 1

The next was some loser task that Heather picked and we all scoffed at how stupid and dumb it was. Long story short, Airen ended up winning. It was now neck and neck. The fate of my social future lay in the hands of the final test...which... as kids...we really hadn't figured it out. That was the downside of Chay Chay Koolay, we were so disorganized. It had to be something that Airen just WOULDN'T do. But I couldn't think of anything...that's when Meghann said something that I would be eternally grateful..

Meghann: I KNOW...let's make them eat DOG FOOD.

I wanted to smack that bitch in the face and give her a hug. She was on the same page as me. She knew that if Airen joined the club, she would lose standing with Stephanie and potentially the Vice Presidential Election coming up (For Some reason we never had a Presidential Election...). Mikey pretty much thought he WAS an animal and after watching him eat so many ants, she assumed that he would eat just about anything. (She was Right) It was a Shoe In. We had lived to see another day.

In the last few moments of that dog food eating competition, we watched as Mikey deliciously chowed down on his wet dog food like it was Thanksgiving Dinner, and Airen was left crying over her bowl, realizing how far she would go for popularity. Mikey was admitted to the club and Airen was exiled. Life was good. And it could have ended there. But for some reason, I just couldn't stand to let Airen be a part of our group. She was just too dangerous, and I realized I LOVED messing with her.

A few weeks later we collectively let Airen into Chay Chay Koolay.. (well..our parents yelled at us and we had to). Airen was ELATED to be a part of things. I had taken over as group moderator because we all decided that we liked MY voice the best to announce things. I stood in the center of our circle and I played our endgame.

Me: I now call this meeting of Chay Chay Koolay in session. We have a new member among our ranks, everybody say hello to Airen!

Heather, Stephanie, Meghann: Wahoo! Hey!

Mikey: WOOF WOOF!

Me: Welcome to the Club, Airen. We are happy to have you. Today is a sad day though, as I have just received this memo from our President, Stephanie. In an exclusive chamber meeting, the decision has been made to disband Chay Chay Koolay. While the club has been fun and beneficial to everyone, it is believed that some members have other interests they would like to pursue and it is deemed unfair to have the rest of our members suffer. And so, it is with great sadness that we announce this to be the Last Official Meeting of Chay Chay Koolay...

I know... I was such an asshole of a child. We all were. We preyed on the weak, and unfortunately, Airen who just wanted to be accepted was the weak. The real reason that Chay Chay Koolay was disbanded was because Stephanie and I had secretly been siphoning funds from the Club Treasury to fund our NEW and WAYYYY cooler GOOSEBUMPS club, of which I was the Vice President..(there were only the two of us in the club, BUT small victories.)

Airen was ruined. I'd like to say she rose above this moment, i'd like to say it gave her the determination to succeed, like Heather did. I'd like to say this event was not a factor in her heavy drinking and tendency towards depression...but the truth is...she never got over it, and some nights when i'm lying in bad, 18 years later, deep in dreamland, I'll get a phone call. When I answer... all I hear is a little bit of heavy breathing, a hiccup and then a blood curdling scream..

"CHAY CHAY KOOLAY!"

Kids Can Be So Cruel.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians



So, remember a little while ago when I talked about how when I had a day off or some free time I was going to have to get off the couch and get active? Do you also remember how I declared my love for the Kardashian Family? Well...the other day, my best laid plans fell through and I found myself watching a marathon of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians". I've seen every episode and personally, am a huge fan. I also realized how divided most of the country seems to be about this famous family. One side hates them, almost passionately, saying the represent all the things that are wrong with Americans today, and the other side has a devoted band of followers, ready to scoop up and enjoy every product that they put out. 

I decided  to play a little Devil's Advocate and give my take on America's fascination with the Kardashian Family. At first I thought this might not be a good idea to blog about...a little lame. What do people care about my opinion on the damn Kardashians? But then again, one of my goals this year was to write, and I don't want to lose momentum on this blog. I made a promise to myself and right now, my head is thinking about the Kardashians. So here goes nothing.

With all the hate that seems to come their way, the Kardashian Family can't help but be completely relevant in our society. Their television show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" is entering what I believe to be it's sixth season, and the numbers remain solid and strong. The Show has spawned a number of spin offs all with high degrees of success and from a business standpoint, they've pretty much singlehandedly rescued the E! Network. Without it, E! would not be what it is today. They have Ryan Seacrest (Executive Producer) and the Kardashians to thank. I was in the airport recently looking for a magazine at one of the many kiosks and noticed that at that particular kiosk, the Kardashian Family was on the cover of 8, count them
EIGHT different magazines. Love them or hate them, they are doing something right.

Look, honestly. I get what people are saying about them to an extent. There is a definite materialistic streak in each member of the family outside of perhaps Bruce Jenner, and some of the things they say can be construed as vapid or shallow or snobby, but if you look at the way they talk and act in interviews and such, it's not like these people don't realize that they have these qualities. They are human just like you and I. They have faults. I mean you can't blame people for the situations life gave. These kids were born and raised in Beverly Hills, their father was a very influential, successful and controversial lawyer, Robert Kardashian and for those of you who don't remember, he was one of OJ Simpson's Defense Attorneys. They've had access to a world and life that not many people do, but when that is your everyday, of course you get a little bit of a sense of entitlement. It's no different than any teenager in America. Everybody wants what they don't have, and that doesn't exclude people who have everything. It's human nature, it's engraved into as us consumers. Want want want. Have have have. And over the course of the years that the show has been on, these young girls have transformed into a pretty powerful, strong and cohesive unit. They've turned
the fact that people are intrigued by their family and cashed in on it, and if everybody is on board with that in their family, you can't fault them for that. You only have yourself to blame because their name comes out of your mouth in conversations, or for the fact that even you, the one who says they HATE the Kardashians tunes in every now and again. You want to know more.

The appeal of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe comes from this. If i've learned one thing from watching television for so many years, it's this. When people turn on their TV, they want fantasy. They want an escape. The same is true in films. Harry Potter and Twilight aren't successful because they are hard hitting realistic dramas. It's because there is an air of the supernatural, of fantasy. You can escape in the story. The same is true for shows like Dallas or Melrose Place. These people had money, success, power, beauty. We watched because we wanted to be them, because we wanted to have what they have, and that is the reason we watch the Kardashians. Everyone wants fame. Everyone wants to be noticed, and these girls have both those capabilities. People will pay them just to SHOW up to places, and awesome places at that. They can go to Vegas and live it up, probably not even on their own dime, and the people who watch that, are jealous. Who WOULDN'T want to be able to do that? And if you personally say no, I feel like you're saying it to appear above basic social desire. We all want to feel famous and special. The Self Help section at Barnes and Noble isn't because everybody finds love within themselves. It's because we always look outwards first. It's maybe not right or perfect but it exists.

On another note, while the Kardashian Sisters may BE role models to young girls, I don't believe it is their responsibility or duty to do so. They are on television, and they sell their brand, but as we should know by now, nobody on television is perfect, nor in the world for that matter. We pick these girls apart, saying they are bad role models, when maybe instead, parents themselves should accept responsibility for raising their children and BE their children's OWN role models. Stop pushing the responsibility off on others. Your kids get more about life and how to behave from YOU than they EVER will from Kim Kardashian, and while they may think she is pretty and want to emulate her, it's not HER responsibility to make sure that they get
into college, have successful careers and relationships and are happy. That's for you. Furthermore, people make frickin' mistakes. Just look at Mike Phelps. He is an amazing athlete. Gold Medals, Dedication, Passion for a Sport, and Gazelle like Intensity. Then a picture of him taking a bong rip hits the net and suddenly people want to strip him of every accomplishment and call him a liar. Look, it was a damn picture. Does it make him any LESS of an inspiration, of a fucking olympic monster? NO. Does it dimish his accomplishments. NO. He goes to sleep every night with a million damn medals on his chest. He is still an accomplished man and amazing athlete. Let's save that kind of judgement for people who do SERIOUS things like committ murder or something.

That being said, let's take a look at these girls success' shall we?

In 2010, The Kardashian Family brought in $65 million. That's fuckin EPIC! I mean you don't KNOW money like they know money. To put that in perspective, according to the Hollywood Reporter that's more than Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise COMBINED. Come on, even if you HATE on them, you have GOT to give credit where credit is DUE.

Let's Break it Down:

The Stuff they Got Going On:

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Khloe and Kourtney take Miami
Khloe and Lamar
Kim and Kourtney take New York
They have two Fragrances, one exclusively from Kim and then one from Khloe and Lamar.
They have DASH boutiques in Calabasas, Miami and New York.
They have clothing line from SEARS.
A BEST SELLING BOOK.
A Weight Loss Supplement.
An Exercise Tape.
Kim Kardashian commands upwards of $100,000 for a personal appearance.

There is NOTHING that this family doesn't have their hands in.

This family has a lot going on, but on a personal level, they're LIKEABLE. They are a REAL family. They are the new Nuclear Family. They have a history and they make no excuses for it. It is what it is with them. The death of their father is something that is regularly discussed and openly mourned, and it's in those small moments, the family dinners, the way they spend all of their time together that really makes them grow on you.

They may not be a perfect family, but no family is. They have the same problems as you and I do, they are just brave enough to have every moment of them filmed, and I think that if we looked at ourselves honestly and had our own reality TV show with 24 hours a day of our life filmed, it wouldn't be the moments in which we were normal and did nothing that would make great TV and get ratings. It would be the times we acted out and got a little crazy, the moments when maybe we weren't our best, and at the end of the day, I think the Kardashians can go to sleep with a clean conscience and I think their father would be proud of them. They've made a lot in life simply by being who they are. They are a beautiful family and it's only growing, and I can't possibly imagine my late nights without an episode or two of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Craig's List Confidential

So, i'm sitting here in my first pair of gay jeans and I was wondering what to blog about next. This blogging business is hard because when you first start out you think of all these amazing things you want to talk about, but then you sit down and you end up doing everything BUT what you set out to do it.

One of the things I like to do on the internet when I am bored is go to Craigslist, mainly the Missed Connections/Casual Encounters/Personal Ads section of Craigslist because I am never dissatisfied. The people who post on these are erotic poets, spewing forthe their sexual and romantic desires with an enigmatic poise and lilt.

Just kidding, they are fucking crazy, and that is how I got the idea for what I was going to do on this blog post. Review some of the Craigslist Men Seeking Women Ads in my Community. So maybe procrastination isn't really ALL that bad.

And SOOO without further adieu <--- (getting cultured up in here ya'll) I give you:

Craig's List Confidential

And We're OFF!

Please keep in my that these are in fact REAL ads that I took from my local Craigslist just a few minutes ago.


1. Social Anxiety Dis.

"i am very much interested in meeting and chatting with a woman who suffers from social anxiety disorder, or extreme shyness.
if someone reads this that knows a woman who suffers so. please invite them to respond to this. tell me about yourself a little bit so i wont delete you as
spam [there is tons of spam out there]"

So. I find this ad to be incredibly fucking creepy. First of all, I get the fact that this man probably suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder himself, but it reads as if he has a very specific fetish in which he needs a woman who won't talk about it afterwards to fulfill. Furthermore, I don't know much about Social Anxiety Disorder, but it would lead me to believe that they have anxiety about Social Situations, which in my opinion would include the Craigslist Personals Section of a Web Site. Also, I want to know if anyone DID respond to this to ad, and how that looked.

I especially like the part where if says "if someone reads this that knows a woman who suffers so. please invite them to respond to this." This...was a LITERAL LOL for me. Can you imagine suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder and your friend calls or texts you and says "So I was reading the Men Seeking Women section of Craigslist today, don't ask me why, i'm trying new things, and there is a man who is looking for a girl who has problem dealing with Social Situations, so immediately I thought of YOU and just thought I would pass it along.. He seems really legit, Courtney. What? Why are you yelling?"

Rating: Based on it's incredible creepiness and the fact that I feel that whatever woman this man ends up meeting will soon be either dead, or locked in a box underneath his  matress, I am going to give this one 2.5 out of 5 Stars.


2. A Woman That Can Darn - 76

I'm actively searching for a woman age or race of no concern to me. We're all the same! What I need is a woman that can darn. I have a sweater I wear every day and have worn for at least as long as I can remember that needs a good darning.
There are at least six holes that I can see and probably a lot more I can't see. My eyes aren't so good. So if you're out there get hold of me and if there's more than one of you I'll be taking the one that darns the best. Good luck!

How can you not love this frickin' ad? First of all, I had to google what the hell "darn" meant and I have to admit I was a little let down when I found out what the actual definition was:

darn (v) To mend (a garment, for example) by weaving thread or yarn across a gap or hole.

Heh heh. Hole. Anyway, initially I was a little aroused when I saw the title, hoping it was some old kinky bastard looking for somebody to flog him or something, but no. What I am most confused about is whether or not this man is looking for love or an employee. What will happen after she "darns" his sweater, will the attraction still be there? Will she stay by his side? Will her age or race still not matter after his sweater is "darned"? And who takes care of this man, anyway? He's 76 and he's been wearing the same sweater day in and day out for years! Somebody take him to K Mart or something, that is elder abuse.

Rating: That being said, I LOVE examples of old people invading the internet and making everybody uncomfortable and I have to give this Ad a 3 out of 5 stars for it's uniqueness as well as it's underlying racist current.


3. Decisions and Revisions which a Minute can Reverse

Attracted to intelligent, confident women who tend to be minimalist on the makeup and girly-girl. The 'mystique of woman' doesn't really attract me at all.. and because of this its become neigh impossible to find anyone worth engaging in a romantic comedy (or tragedy) with. But I am hopeful.
I'm in my 20's, have a steady job, my own place, etc etc. I am good looking, confident, and have plenty to do from work to play without any sexual 'entanglements'. But, it would be fun to find someone to become entangled with on a fun, intellectual, and sexual level.

For kicks I enjoy hikes//bike rides, dancing, heated conversation over caffeinated or alcohol infused beverages, movies, hard work followed by a respite, and anything positively surprising.
So what about you?


There are many, many things that i hate about this ad. First of all, it is glaringly clear to me that this man is most likely a virgin. Ladies, any man who refers to a relationship as a Romantic Comedy or Tragedy has never seen vagina in person.

I'm confused as to what he means by the "Mystique of a Woman". It makes me think that he believes women to be some sentient alien race that men are left to decode before their heads are eaten off during the mating season. If I was a woman who read this ad, I would be instantly turned off by the fact that it generally feels like he doesn't in fact actually like women.

This personal ad is also ripe with contradiction, on the one hand he wants minimalistic, and on the other hand, he wants a girly girl which conjures up to ME at least, a woman who takes time on her appearance, who screams with murderous fright at the sight of a spider, who refuses to touch or do anything "Gross" and who is obsessed with all things girl: makeup, perfume, clothes... Let's be really honest, he wants one of those sex robots. A girl who always looks her best because she is made of synthetic latex and her make up was burned onto her cyborg body... In fact, while reading this ad I was reminded of that movie with Horrible Smoker Ryan Gosling "Lars and the Real Girl"

My favorite part of this ad is that this man seems like no fun at all, but then he randomly puts that he likes "dancing". I cannot picture this man dancing, I picture this man as somebody who takes themselves very seriously and who has not farted in front of somebody in their entire life. Ladies, look out, this man put that he likes dancing because he wants you to think that he is fun, but in reality, this is a man that will expect you to pay for half the caffeinated or alcohol infused beverages and the heated conversation will consist of him telling you about what a tortured artist he thinks himself to be. RUN AWAY.

My Rating: This man needs to hire a hooker, stop reading books, and get out and actually experience a "comedy" or a "tragedy"...God just typing this also now makes me think this is the type of man to engage in a Renaissance Fair, and if that's the case, RUN. Trust me ladies, i've been down that road. It only leads to heartache. 1.5 out of 5 Stars.


4. make out-movie night?

any takers, only reply if you are awesome
e-mail for immediate response and send a picture for one in return

I give this guy kudos. It's straight and to the point. He wants a make out movie night. Simple as that. Hell, I almost responded except for the fact that I am a man and most definitely not what he is looking for and because I wasn't sure if I was awesome. I mean WTF? What does that even mean you buffoon? Does this woman only get to taste your beautiful lips if she starts the morning base jumping off the Empire State Building? What is your definition of awesome? And are you awesome yourself? And wouldn't a woman who was awesome most definitely NOT be scouring the Craigslist Personals looking for love? No, she'd be locked, stocked with two smoking barrels trying to rob the Prime Minister of Israel. She'd be blowing shit up, kicking ass and taking names. I am sorry to break this guy's heart, but I just know in my bones he did not get that movie make out night he so desperately wanted. I do however, think it might be a good idea to set him up with the man that just wants somebody to "darn" his sweater in the spirit of I'll scratch your back if you stick your tongue down my throat while we watch Reservoir Dogs?

My Rating: While I give him an A for Simplicity, I have to fail him based on the fact that he's boxed himself in too much looking for only awesome people. 2 out of 5 stars.



5. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR BECKONS YOU WITH INTELLECTUAL&SEXUAL BLISS - 38

 little about me...
Im honest, faithful, multi-lingual, communicative, athletic, caring, dependable,one with a great sense of humour, world-traveled and focused.I feel priviledged being multi-cultural in essence
Dont bother trying to explain to me what diversity is all about.It is my middle name for crying out loud!I value communication AND cross-cultural communication.
. Ive got a lot of love and affection to give to the RIGHT person
INTERESTS:
Mind you ,my interests could fill an encyclopeadia(or your computers memory,you choose).First and foremost,I like people,yes I do .It might sound naive a statement but I still believe in the inherent good in the Human form.... I like PRACTISING sports(I am not a couch potato):bodybuiding 3 times a week,basketball once a week, soccer once a week , jogging for 3 hours early on thursdays(before work) and on Sundays . I like my work( consultant for tech companies ).I like the fact that I can work free-lance as it affords me full amplitude to bringing my ideas to fruitful conclusion without HINDERING SUPERVISION(you read me right?)
About the one I'm looking for...
Love comes under the least expected guises.That statement should be enough to fill this box dont you think?...Whatever...,Id expect you to be sincere,honest,trustworthy A positive person with a zest for life,a free thinker, Your race,creed,religion,age,physical appearance,eating,smoking or drinking habits...etc ...isnt of importance to me.Your character IS.I mean it .So those of you out there that society pigeonholes and labels as fat ,old and ugly,please dont let such short-sightedness stop you from writing me.I strongly believe theres much more to it than glass paper and glossy looks.Theres CHARACTER.Nothing beats character not even aging, you see(and we all know what the former does to looks-no matter what Joan Collins might say ). If you see yourself in this(and if you dont:remember the least expected guises?),then dont hesitate to write now;YOU WONT REGRET IT.
I'd just like to add...
I love listening and dancing to music and Im said to be a real sensation on the dancefloor,seeming to enlighten it with my dazzling footsteps.I love reading books and scientific publications.Im a real movie buff,you know what I mean ,a REAL one.I like cooking(yes I do! ) to friends but more importantly for my special other,and then wed have a candlelit dinner with;my funny Valentine; in the background,you know, that type of thing ;no need for visuals right?I love making love to my special other Cross-cultural communication is something that really makes me tick(oh already said that right? gosh!).I love languages. I enjoy travelling,which is also the driving force behind my learning and practising foreign languages(I speak a few African languages,German, Japanese,and of course French).I find it hard to conceive of a travelling venture that doesnt include extensively exchanging with the locals.And knowing their language does help doesnt it?

Oh. My. Dorothy. Where the FUCK to begin with THIS one? This is the greatest man who has ever lived. But you don't need to tell him that. He knows. He's the fucking Chuck Norris of Craigslist. He is diverse, he is caring, communicative, accepting, and I bet if you ever met him in person he would NEVER tire of reiterating these qualities to you over some highly overconceptualized dinner that you HATE.

Reading this, I can't help but feel this man is under the influence of mass opiates. First of all, the punctuation in this personal ad hurts my eyes, I can't tell where sentences end and where they begin. They all blend and merge into one stream of semi-conscious/lucid word vomit. My favorite sentence being: "I love making love to my special other Cross-cultural communications is something that really makes me tick (oh already said that right? gosh!). Oh man, talk cross-cultural to me baby. He then goes on to explain the different languages he knows, which if his sentence structure and the way he writes is any indicator, the "natives" of the countries he loves to go to are probably scratching their heads/eating their own faces as much as I am right now.
I---I can't.. I don't even know what else to say. Highlights include his referencing of Joan Collins, his idea of a perfect date (a candlelit dinner with; my funny Valentine; in the background, you know, that type of thing; no need for visuals right?) Yeah, or semicolons, asshole. This man is a hot mess, who was a self image that is grandiose in ways that not even I can compete with (and I have competed, professionally. Miss Congeniality in the Overinflated Self Image Pageant 2009. Google It!)

So, I guess ladies if you are looking for a man who's middle name is Diversity (I wonder what his first name is... I'm gonna say Larry.), who speaks multiple African Tongues, who can do what I perceive to be at least a pound of angel dust and still jog for three hours on a Thursday, then this is the man for you.

My Rating: This is one of the best i've ever seen. 5 out of 5 stars.


So, there you have it. We dove into the depths of Craiglist and pulled out some pearls. I hope you enjoyed this experience and I hope to catch you next time on the very likely next installment of Craigslist Confidential.
I'd love to know what you thought of this post, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me some comments, follow my blog, or follow me on Twitter @FriendODorothy.

Peace.Love.Dorothy.