Each group of people has, generalizations that may not always be pretty, but for the most part, ring true. Maybe that's why people get so upset about them...because they hold a little nugget of truth people refuse to admit about them. I usually try to avoid them myself. Being a gay man, there are some people in our country who expect me to look like... Oh, I don't know... This:
When in Reality, I look more like:
Fortunately for our culture, we tend to get the prettier side of stereotypes. We are known to have great hair, awesome bodies, and yes... beautiful clothes. That last one...well all three, i've struggled with throughout the years, but when it comes to clothes... I just fall to the wayside. I'm just a basic person. I like basic t-shirts, basic jeans, basic shoes. In fact, I only have two pairs of shoes, and I can hear the collective gasp of shock from many a gay man as I type this. I guess i've never really thought about what I wear all that much, but it seems I am a dying breed among gay men.
Take my partner for instance. He loves clothes. He loves to shop. He owns more pairs of shoes than I ever will in my entire life. He loves asthetics, he likes to look expensive. He relishes in and waits for the moment that some bleach blonde twink comes up and says "I LOVE that shirt! Where did you get it?" To where he cracks that shit eating grin and says "In the Castro". But of Course.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands, and start at what I thought was a small step. Gay Jeans. Now when I posted on my facebook that I had bought "gay jeans" people were confused, and I got many comments like "Every pair of jeans you wear are gay jeans!" or "I don't get it." Let me break it down for you with this little comparison:
These are your regular every day, Joe Schmo jeans. They are comfortable, you can wear them all the time, and you want to. They are reasonably priced, and every grandmother across America will say "Now THAT'S a good Jean."
And THEN... there are GAY Jeans:
These jeans scream "I went to BUCKLE! And I spent way more than I should! You're looking at my ass because of all the fucking Bedazzling! Relish in my awesome jeans and PLEASE ask me where I got them!"
I wanted somewhere in between... and so, the Boyfriend and I took a walk into... BUCKLE.
So... I hate Buckle.
It's like walking onto a used car lot or cutting your finger and jumping into the Ocean. The Employees at Buckle obviously work for commission and you can tell during their New Hire Orientation they are programmed to believe that if they don't sell 62,348 pairs of jeans or clothing a day, they are a terrible person. But I will admit, they are good. One thing Buckle knows is that people will buy almost ANYTHING from somebody if they are really hot, and this store is no exception. Nearly everybody that works at Buckle is fairly attractive... well at least more attractive than somebody you might find working at SEARS mmkay? They have to be attractive because each employee looks as if the clothing brands Affliction/Ed Hardy/OBEY and Ke$ha have thrown up all over them.
Today, my Personal Shopper is... well let's just call him Titan...because he looks like just that.. a literal representation of the Sons of one of the Greek Gods standing before me. I want to dip him in chocolate and voraciously eat him like a Chocolate Easter Bunny. (Disclaimer to my Boyfriend: He MEANS NOTHING!)
Artist Rendering of Titan. ^ Meow.
Before he even speaks, i'm locked in.
Titan: Hey, There Welcome to Buckle! Oh Hey You!
(Looking at my Boyfriend...is it a bad thing if your boyfriend is RECOGNIZED by the Buckle Employees?)
Titan: So, What Are We Here for Today?
Me: Well...Uh..Well..Pretty Bird!!
Boyfriend *rolling eyes* : He is actually here to look at some jean options and maybe find a better pair for him.
Me: Exactly.
Then...he SHAKES my damn hand, and introduces himself.
Titan: Hi.. I'm Titan. Nice to meet you.
Oh he's good. Really good.
So the search begins and he is already asking me questions like Bootcut, Straight Fit, Top or Bottom? (Anything You Want Me to Be, Titan!) And I am a little nervous, I mean I hate shopping and I usually hate when employees at Retail stores hone in on me, but having worked in retail for 3 1/2 years previous to my now glamorous life as a blogger, I am always nice. Once you've had a woman attempt to slap you over $2 Cozy Socks, you can handle anything. So he's asking all these questions and I just stumble over myself and answer like I confidently know what the FUCK he is talking about. Next, he hands me two pairs of jeans and takes me to a dressing room. And here I am. Titan would like me to try on a pair of bootcut and straight to see which I like better. In the midst of buttoning the last button on these pair of jeans, I hear a knock...and it's TITAN! Just standin' outside my dressing room like he's my best gal pal who cannot WAIT to go get Mojitos after this.
Titan: So, buddy! Which pair did you like better?
Me: F*@K%&#!!!. You scared the shit out of me!!!!
Titan: What?
Me: Surprisingly, the Straight Fit.
Titan: Alright, i'll be back with more options...
At this point, I look at the pair of jeans I am wearing an they are $75, which is mortifying to me. I've never spent that much money on a pair of jeans before in my life. Again, I hear the collective gasp of many a gay men reading who can't believe/can't believe what a good deal $75 is for a pair of jeans.. So, now Titan has me drowning in jeans. I felt lock the fuckin' Goldilocks of Jeans. "This one's too big! Too tight! Too much!" It is at this point I notice something about Buckle.
On the tags for their jeans, there is a perforated tab to pull right before you get to the price of the jeans. This means the tag stays completely connected to the jeans themselves, but that you can just rip the price off and have it look almost as if the tag COMES that way. I could tell Titan was playing a game with me. He had given me so many options. A reasonable pair that I think he could tell I would probably buy, some higher priced not so great pairs, and then finally the last pair.
They were many characteristics I don't remember about these jeans 80% so and so 10% whatever, all I remember were that they were 100% pure Heaven.
I've never felt so sexy in a pair of jeans in my entire life. I felt as if the second I walked out of that fitting room, Titan and the rest of the world would BOW DOWN to how good I looked and establish me as the KING of BUCKLE. I almost cried. I pictured the reaction to be like when Rachel Leigh Cook took off her glasses and then Anna Paquin did her make up and got her a red dress in the Movie "She's All That". I pictured myself finally winning over Freddie Prinze Jr. they were so good.
Then I looked at the price tag. They were $113. Which after finding out what other people have paid for jeans, isn't that much, but for somebody like me, it just isn't realistic. I bartered with myself...I might not ever have to buy jeans again with a pair like this... could I LIVE in these pants if it came down to it? Who cares? With jeans like this i'd have sugar daddies lining down the block to get a little taste.
After what seemed like minutes of arguing with myself I just couldn't do it...but I respected Titan's plan of attack. He would find one pair of jeans for a customer that he knew they would like, that were reasonably priced enough to justify buying. Then he would cast over the bullshit expensive jeans that didn't look good, and just ONE pair that he KNEW would probably sell to ANYBODY and was just a tad bit more expensive. He banked on people buying impulsively, getting lost in the dream in the goddamn FANTASY of the jean. Either way, that man KNEW how to make a commission. So with much begrudement, I put down the real expensive ones, and I bought the moderately priced jean that looked decent enough on me so that people would stop thinking I was wearing either Jeggings or Wranglers.
I had done it. I had gone through the trenches and come out, for the most part unscathed. I could tell that my boyfriend was jealous of the relationship and newfound respect that Titan and I had for each other, but you know that they say... "The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth...but it Ran Away in a Pair of $75 jeans from Buckle."
Or Something Like That.
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