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| Note: This is NOT Actually Sassy, this is just what she looked like. Cute, Right? |
At 3 years old, Sassy was my best friend. I carted her around everywhere. I played with her all the time and she was always curled up right next to me during my daily nap. Naturally, I was very protective of her. I wanted to make sure she was happy, healthy and always had a shoulder to cry on. So when she came to me later that year pregnant, and out of wedlock at that, I did not judge my WHORE of a cat. I took a deep breath, gave her a big hug and started paying EXTRA close attention to her.
10 years later in 3 year old years (weeks), Sassy gave birth to her kittens. Since of course my hooker of a cat did not know exactly who the father of her babies was, I knew I had to step up to the plate and be their Stepfather. I would be firm, but loving and always there to lend a hand when I could. I was ready. The next few weeks would result in probably some of the most stressful and terrifying in my Mother's life.
I decided I would start with the basics and teach Sassy and her Kittens how to swim because for some reason at the time I thought we lived by a river which in fact we did not, but I was three and thought every town had a lake, a river, a creek, a beach, a rock quarry, etc. I was scared because I thought they would get stuck in the river and drown. I was trying to be a good father! So...where does one teach kittens how to swim? OF COURSE! A Kitty Pool...at least that is what I thought it was called at the time.
So while my mom was in the kitchen, I pulled my small little pool into the yard and began filling it up with water. I got a few towels and a few floaties and slowly but surely rounded Sassy and the kittens up. I had never had swimming lessons and had no idea how to swim myself, but my three year old bravado told me that I was more than qualified to teach this class. I cracked my knuckles and my neck and got to work. I grabbed the first kitten by the neck, like Mama Lions do and PLUNGED him/her deep into the water for five seconds before lifting him/her back up and drying it off with the towel. BAM! That kitten now knew how to swim. Easy as that! What a fucking genius I was. Why were there EVER cats that drowned when learning to swim was so easy? Whatever the case, I quickly followed suit with the rest of the kittens. Then it was Sassy's turn.
Sassy was a little resistant to say the least, but I got it, she had just given birth to her babies, and still a little self conscious in her bikini, but after a little begrudgement, I had scooped her up into her arms and convinced her that this was for the family. I plunged her DEEP into the less than 2 feet of water. And that....is when my Mother came outside screaming and waving her arms.
Mama: BRANDON MICHAEL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SASSY!
This was good. This meant that she hadn't seen me teach the kittens how to swim. I was in the clear.
Me: MOM! I'm teaching Sassy and the Kittens how to Swim! I don't want them to drown in the river! Do you! Are you THAT horrible?!?!
Mama: BRANDON! Don't you talk back to me you little bastard! Clean this mess up and dry Sassy off by the next time I walk out here! MOVE!
And then she stormed off. I then realized how horrible my mother was. You could tell she was jealous of my new family, and that she didn't think I should have Step Children at such a young age. She didn't understand! I had to take care of these cats!
Now I had to somehow MAGICALLY dry off Sassy like a wizard before my Mom got back in the yard which I was sure was in the next five seconds. I hurried the kittens away into the garage and put the kiddy pool away, and scooped up Sassy into my arms.
How was I going to dry off this cat this fast? It seemed damn near impossible. That's when I had a brilliant idea? Where did my MOM go to dry things VERY quickly? The Laundry Room on the Porch of course! So I skipped off to the side door of the porch and entered the Laundry Room. Thanks to my Supreme Intelligence I actually was able to figure out WHICH machine was the Dryer and promptly threw Sassy in, banging at things until I heard it start before quickly running back outside like nothing happened.
I didn't even make it to the side yard when I heard the DEMONIC screams of my mother once more!
Mama: BRANDON MICHAEL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TODAY!?! YOU CAN'T PUT A CAT IN THE DRYER! SHE'LL DIE! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK.
Me: Yes.
Mama: WHAT?!!?!?!?!??!
Me: Nothing... but MOM! You told me to dry her off and FAST!!! That's what you DO! If you don't want me to use the Dryer than YOU shouldn't! It's NOT FAIR!
Mama: YOU LITTLE BAST---- (counting to 10 in her head...coming back with the caring and concerned Mom voice.) Brandon, dear. Things like clothes go in the dryer, but Kitties and People, they can't go in there. It's way too hot, it could have BAKED Sassy, like a Chicken. You don't want that to happen do you?
Me: OF COURSE NOT! I would NEVER want to hurt SASSY! I LOVE HER!!!! *cries*
Mama: Oh Jesus Christ, come here. I know you love her, but just leave her alone so she can cool off. A dryer can get hot! I'm gonna get you some juice and some crackers and how about you play inside for awhile?
I agreed, feeling like a failure. All I wanted to do was take care of Sassy and my Step-Kitties, and at every turn it seemed like I was failing them. I was was a miserable Step Father. I had to make it up to Sassy! I almost cooked her alive! As I entered the kitchen and sat down, watching as my Mother went to go fold Laundry in her bedroom, I began to try and think of ways to make it up to Sassy. Maybe I could buy her something? No.. I was saving for a She-Ra doll and my Piggy Bank was too cute to shatter. Maybe if I could cool her down before her organs finished melting she would forgive me? It seemed like my only option.
Scooting off my chair, I entered the Living Room and found Sassy, scooping her in my arms, and petting her. Oh man, she SEEMED hot. What had I done. It was at this time, looking back, I realize that either Sassy was just an extremely loyal cat or a little mentally retarded. No cat I have ever met in my life would have allowed themselves to be put through what I had put her through and still love me, and as much as my adult brain wants to lean towards retardation, the Child in my heart knows that it was but PURE LOVE.
Anywho, I scooted my chair over the kitchen counter next to the fridge and finagled my way up with Sassy in my arms.
Me: I'm so sorry my beloved. I didn't mean to cook your brains! We gotta cool you down!
That's when I opened the freezer door, shoved her in and closed it.
I figured about five to ten minutes would be just enough to cool her down and restore her faith in me so I quickly moved my chair back to the table and continued eating my snack like nothing had happened. A few minutes later, my Mom entered the kitchen ready to start preparing dinner. She looked at me, dead in the eyes with an almost paranormal sense that she knew something was up.
Mama: Brandon...where is Sassy?
I didn't want to answer. I was sure at this point that my mother's sole purpose in life was to spoil all my plans. She didn't support me when I told her I was leaving the house to be a professional Jungle Explorer earlier that year and she wasn't supporting the mantle of father I had recently placed myself with. I begrudgingly answered.
Me: She's...cooling off...like you said.
Mama: Oh Dear GOD...what have you DONE?!
She instinctively ran to the freezer and burst open the door, scooping the cat into her arms and looked at me, almost frightened.
Mama: (under her breath): I'm raising a serial killer... I just know it.... *rubbing her temple* Brandon..I get that you are trying to take care of Sassy...but just like you can't put a cat in the DRYER you certainly can't put them in the FREEZER!!!!!
Me: But MOM! I was trying to cool her off! You're sending REALLY mixed signals you know? First she is wet so I try and dry her off, and then she is too hot and I try to cool her down and NOW she is too Cold? What are you trying to do, Woman? RUIN ME?!
Mama: Oh we are NOT doing this again today! Let me make it clear for then! If you so much as TOUCH this cat or those kittens at ALL for any reason today I will give you a spanking that will go down in the RECORD BOOKS for it's Brutality. Do you understand?!
She had won. She had won and she knew it....
Me: Yes...I understand...
And just like that, my Stepfather duties were relinquished from me. I had reach the peak of the mountain only to be pushed off the top by a vindictive and controlling demon of a mother. The rest of my days were spent playing with toys, and watching children's movies and playing with my Stupid Friends.
There are a few morals to this story:
1. Never leave a 3 year old with a penchant for curiosity alone with ANY animal. They will only end up hurt and/or microwaved.
2. Single Mothers should be given a medal for the amount of shit they have to put up with on their own.
3. OBVIOUSLY, I don't condone the harming of any animals. This was just the only way, I as a three year old could think to take care of my cat. Which at THREE years old, I think is VERY brilliant.
4. Being a Stepfather is hard. You have to deal with the emotional strain of not being your new children's real father, and the sting of knowing that your new lady really wanted a life with somebody else, but since that didn't work out, she turned to you. 2nd best. Try and live with THAT.
And before I go, I think you might all be wondering what became of Sassy. Well, even after the day I almost killed her three times, she still curled up in my lap at every nap time, she still sat by my side wherever I went, and whenever she could get out of the house she got her mothafuckin' FREAK on like you wouldn't believe and continued to have illegitimate kittens all over town, and SO...she met the fate that many other small children's pets meet once their parents realize that it's too much to take care of kids by themselves let ALONE with ANIMALS...and Sassy "Ran Away" AKA my Mother took her SKANKY ass to the pound.
Also...please note this was 1989 and spaying and neutering animals was not as common as it is today, and that the awareness just wasn't there. It is also EXPONENTIALLY less expensive to spay or neuter your animal than it was, and so before you villanize my mother, take a good look at her:
This is my mother. The one in the middle, the other two are hopefully very apparent DRAG QUEENS. This is a woman who single-handedly raised me to be who I was, an open and honest, proud gay person. A woman who loves me and will HANG OUT and converse with my friends even if they are six foot tall Drag Queens. She is kick ass, and although from the ages of 3 - 19 I may have been plotting her demise. I now realize how cool she is and always was.
Love You Mom, and Sassy.. I will never forget your kind, fun-loving, skanky, dirty ass.
This Blog Post Sponsored by PETA.
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