My First Pair of Gay Jeans!

Every culture has stereotypes, and while it's true, that stereotypes don't always categorize every single person in a certain culture, they exist for one reason: A lot of the time they are true.

Each group of people has, generalizations that may not always be pretty, but for the most part, ring true. Maybe that's why people get so upset about them...because they hold a little nugget of truth people refuse to admit about them. I usually try to avoid them myself. Being a gay man, there are some people in our country who expect me to look like... Oh, I don't know... This:

When in Reality, I look more like:

Just Kidding, it's more like this:

Fortunately for our culture, we tend to get the prettier side of stereotypes. We are known to have great hair, awesome bodies, and yes... beautiful clothes. That last one...well all three, i've struggled with throughout the years, but when it comes to clothes... I just fall to the wayside. I'm just a basic person. I like basic t-shirts, basic jeans, basic shoes. In fact, I only have two pairs of shoes, and I can hear the collective gasp of shock from many a gay man as I type this. I guess i've never really thought about what I wear all that much, but it seems I am a dying breed among gay men.

Take my partner for instance. He loves clothes. He loves to shop. He owns more pairs of shoes than I ever will in my entire life. He loves asthetics, he likes to look expensive. He relishes in and waits for the moment that some bleach blonde twink comes up and says "I LOVE that shirt! Where did you get it?" To where he cracks that shit eating grin and says "In the Castro". But of Course.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands, and start at what I thought was a small step. Gay Jeans. Now when I posted on my facebook that I had bought "gay jeans" people were confused, and I got many comments like "Every pair of jeans you wear are gay jeans!" or "I don't get it." Let me break it down for you with this little comparison:

These are your regular every day, Joe Schmo jeans. They are comfortable, you can wear them all the time, and you want to. They are reasonably priced, and every grandmother across America will say "Now THAT'S a good Jean."

And THEN... there are GAY Jeans:

These jeans scream "I went to BUCKLE! And I spent way more than I should! You're looking at my ass because of all the fucking Bedazzling! Relish in my awesome jeans and PLEASE ask me where I got them!"

I wanted somewhere in between... and so, the Boyfriend and I took a walk into... BUCKLE.

So... I hate Buckle.

It's like walking onto a used car lot or cutting your finger and jumping into the Ocean. The Employees at Buckle obviously work for commission and you can tell during their New Hire Orientation they are programmed to believe that if they don't sell 62,348 pairs of jeans or clothing a day, they are a terrible person. But I will admit, they are good. One thing Buckle knows is that people will buy almost ANYTHING from somebody if they are really hot, and this store is no exception. Nearly everybody that works at Buckle is fairly attractive... well at least more attractive than somebody you might find working at SEARS mmkay? They have to be attractive because each employee looks as if the clothing brands Affliction/Ed Hardy/OBEY and Ke$ha have thrown up all over them.

Today, my Personal Shopper is... well let's just call him Titan...because he looks like just that.. a literal representation of the Sons of one of the Greek Gods standing before me. I want to dip him in chocolate and voraciously eat him like a Chocolate Easter Bunny. (Disclaimer to my Boyfriend: He MEANS NOTHING!)

 Artist Rendering of Titan. ^ Meow.

Before he even speaks, i'm locked in.

Titan: Hey, There Welcome to Buckle! Oh Hey You!

(Looking at my Boyfriend...is it a bad thing if your boyfriend is RECOGNIZED by the Buckle Employees?)

Titan: So, What Are We Here for Today?

Me: Well...Uh..Well..Pretty Bird!!

Boyfriend *rolling eyes* : He is actually here to look at some jean options and maybe find a better pair for him.

Me: Exactly.

Then...he SHAKES my damn hand, and introduces himself.

Titan: Hi.. I'm Titan. Nice to meet you.

Oh he's good. Really good.

So the search begins and he is already asking me questions like Bootcut, Straight Fit, Top or Bottom? (Anything You Want Me to Be, Titan!) And I am a little nervous, I mean I hate shopping and I usually hate when employees at Retail stores hone in on me, but having worked in retail for 3 1/2 years previous to my now glamorous life as a blogger, I am always nice. Once you've had a woman attempt to slap you over $2 Cozy Socks, you can handle anything. So he's asking all these questions and I just stumble over myself and answer like I confidently know what the FUCK he is talking about. Next, he hands me two pairs of jeans and takes me to a dressing room. And here I am. Titan would like me to try on a pair of bootcut and straight to see which I like better. In the midst of buttoning the last button on these pair of jeans, I hear a knock...and it's TITAN! Just standin' outside my dressing room like he's my best gal pal who cannot WAIT to go get Mojitos after this.

Titan: So, buddy! Which pair did you like better?

Me: F*@K%&#!!!. You scared the shit out of me!!!!

Titan: What?

Me: Surprisingly, the Straight Fit.

Titan: Alright, i'll be back with more options...

At this point, I look at the pair of jeans I am wearing an they are $75, which is mortifying to me. I've never spent that much money on a pair of jeans before in my life. Again, I hear the collective gasp of many a gay men reading who can't believe/can't believe what a good deal $75 is for a pair of jeans.. So, now Titan has me drowning in jeans. I felt lock the fuckin' Goldilocks of Jeans. "This one's too big! Too tight! Too much!" It is at this point I notice something about Buckle.

On the tags for their jeans, there is a perforated tab to pull right before you get to the price of the jeans. This means the tag stays completely connected to the jeans themselves, but that you can just rip the price off and have it look almost as if the tag COMES that way. I could tell Titan was playing a game with me. He had given me so many options. A reasonable pair that I think he could tell I would probably buy, some higher priced not so great pairs, and then finally the last pair.

They were many characteristics I don't remember about these jeans 80% so and so 10% whatever, all I remember were that they were 100% pure Heaven.

I've never felt so sexy in a pair of jeans in my entire life. I felt as if the second I walked out of that fitting room, Titan and the rest of the world would BOW DOWN to how good I looked and establish me as the KING of BUCKLE. I almost cried. I pictured the reaction to be like when Rachel Leigh Cook took off her glasses and then Anna Paquin did her make up and got her a red dress in the Movie "She's All That". I pictured myself finally winning over Freddie Prinze Jr. they were so good.

Then I looked at the price tag. They were $113. Which after finding out what other people have paid for jeans, isn't that much, but for somebody like me, it just isn't realistic. I bartered with myself...I might not ever have to buy jeans again with a pair like this... could I LIVE in these pants if it came down to it? Who cares? With jeans like this i'd have sugar daddies lining down the block to get a little taste.

After what seemed like minutes of arguing with myself I just couldn't do it...but I respected Titan's plan of attack. He would find one pair of jeans for a customer that he knew they would like, that were reasonably priced enough to justify buying. Then he would cast over the bullshit expensive jeans that didn't look good, and just ONE pair that he KNEW would probably sell to ANYBODY and was just a tad bit more expensive. He banked on people buying impulsively, getting lost in the dream in the goddamn FANTASY of the jean. Either way, that man KNEW how to make a commission. So with much begrudement, I put down the real expensive ones, and I bought the moderately priced jean that looked decent enough on me so that people would stop thinking I was wearing either Jeggings or Wranglers.

I had done it. I had gone through the trenches and come out, for the most part unscathed. I could tell that my boyfriend was jealous of the relationship and newfound respect that Titan and I had for each other, but you know that they say... "The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth...but it Ran Away in a Pair of $75 jeans from Buckle."

Or Something Like That.

The Smoker's Lament

So in my last post, I went over a few New Years Resolutions that I came up with, and aside from the exercise part, I'm actually doing a little better with the eating. Smaller portions, less gross stuff. Salads for lunch and all that crap, but I failed to mention probably my biggest resolution of the year, and I realized it's because I'm kind of embarrassed.

This year, 2012 is the year that I.... would like to quit smoking.

There, I said it! Oh the shame! I've always been pretty shameful about smoking...I don't like a lot of people in my everyday life to know that I smoke outside of when I am drinking socially, and it's because it's so socially unacceptable in the states. No matter who you are, or how good you look, when somebody sees you smoking, hell when even I, a smoker, sees somebody smoking, I instantly judge them a little, or think a little less of them, or think "What else don't I know about this person?" which is crazy. They are still the same person, they just smoke.. but it's that kind of opinion I don't want cast upon me, which is why I try to hide it.

Here let me prove my point... Take the beautiful Ryan Gosling:

Goddammit...I would let that man PEE on me if he wanted. If you need a few moments before you come back to this post, I understand completely...take your time...

Now, little known fact about Ryan Gosling is that he is in fact, a smoker.

And...sure, he stills looks beautiful. Gorgeous, Slap-Your-Mama Hot...but now that you've seen this... don't you feel a little betrayed... like how you didn't know about this? How your opinion of him may have changed...how he seems to sparkle a little LESS? That is what I have dubbed as "Smokerism".

Smokerism (Noun): The act of characterizing a person based on the fact that they are a smoker.

We ALL suffer from this prejudice, even myself. When I see a beautiful woman smoking, my mind immediately goes.. "Oh...but she's so pretty..why does she have to smoke?" I think we all do and that is one of the many reasons I want to quit smoking. I want people to judge me just for me, and not because of a bad habit i've picked up.

I've also been in a pretty serious relationship with someone for the past year and he has made it clear that he doesn't want to date a smoker, to which i've said "Well I don't to date an ASSHOLE!" until I quickly realize that this is the nicotine withdrawal talking, and not me. It takes him a little longer to get over it though ;) (Love You, Boo).

Smoking is also a hard lifestyle to keep up. Public Places all around the country are placing smoking bans on bars, restaurants, even outside within a certain amount of feet in places. For the smoker, this is difficult, especially if none of your other friends are smokers. Picture it.. you've had a great meal at a bar/restaurant, and everyone is staying for more drinks. You are having a great time, but then, you get that "I'm so full I need a cig to make it feel better" feeling, and step outside to smoke... alone. It looks something like this:

(Click here for accompanying theme music to the Lonely Smoker)

It removes you from times that you could be bonding/having fun with the people around you, all because you need a fix. Plus, everyone knows that is where you went, and the Smokerism continues.

On that topic, besides being overweight, I believe smoking to be one of the most openly criticized acts today. I have friends that drink more than I ever possibly could in a week, in one night, but still feel the need to tell me how bad smoking is for me.. and while I believe and know that smoking is bad for me...I also know that alcohol is bad for me, and while smoking is a bigger cause of death in the states, alcohol related deaths are on the climb. Drinking can kill you in one night, and you are far likely to accidently kill somebody ELSE while under the influence of alcohol than nicotine. I also want to point out that people think they are HELPING others when they point out that somebody is smoking, or points out the risks of smoking, and I just want to say this.....

IT DOESN'T.

As smokers, we know smoking is bad... we've gotten the same education our whole lives about it that you have. We know... it's an addiction for a reason, because it's hard to stop. It's more than just letting the cigarette go, or putting the bottle down, that's why they have medications, pills, e-cigs, all to help people quit. People are twice as likely to quit with the assistance of these products. Also on a side note... just as smoking is bad for me, there are many decisions in your life that you make that are bad for you, and I wonder how you would feel if everytime you were at a party and took a sip of alcohol somebody, or a group of you came up and said "Whoah! Drinking is so bad for you! Gross! Stop It!" It would irritate the shit out of you. Of course you know excessive drinking and getting shit faced isn't the best thing for you, but at that moment you want to get your swirve on and dance on top of tables. It's no different. All I am saying is why do people feel the need to completely disregard their OWN bad habits to tell me to put down the cigarette?

In conclusion, I think we've established the following.

1. Smoking = Bad
2. I Need to Quit
3. Try to Educate Me About Smoking = Painful Slow Death for You Involving a Potato Peeler
4. Your Choices = No Better or Worse than My Choices.

So I will put this out here to my friends, while I go through this process, many things will happen to me. I will get moody, I will try to eat anything in your house to curb my need to smoke, even your drywall... THAT you can stop me from. If you see me out with a cigarette in my mouth, don't come up to me and refer to this blog and ask how the stopping smoking is going because that will just make you an ASSHOLE. What I need is support... I am already an emotionally needy person. I need everything about me to be validated by others. I'm vapid and shallow...but at least i'm pretty. When I pop a piece of gum, instead of a cigarette, make a big ass stink about it. Throw me a party, buy me an award, write me an epic poem, scuplt me something out of clay to show how happy and supportive you are of my not smoking. Don't take a principled stand that really just makes YOU feel like you stood for something, and in the end just makes ME feel like a judged piece of shit. Believe me, nobody wants to know what it's like to feel like Courtney Love all the time. So, just keep that in mind.

And i'm Out. Since 2005 (C)

Something Wicked This Way Comes...

So! It's finally the New Year! Everyone is making changes! Everyone is buckling down and going to the gym, or quitting smoking, or talking to their mother again. (Or talking to their drug dealer again, right Lindsay?) It's all very exciting. There is a sense of renewed hope and purpose for life. So, when I took stock of my life before January 1st, I realized there were a lot of things that needed to change, so let's just go through that list now shall we?

1. My normally charming, almost ENDEARING chubby stature has reached a level that I am just not comfortable with. I've always been the chubby, funny guy. I've often been referred to as cute, ADORABLE even. Well FUCK THAT. I want to be HOT. SMOKING HOT. I literally want people's retinas to burn and explode upon the viewing of my body. I want to be so hot that I don't even have to speak to get what I want, just grunt and point at shit. This means a lot of things. First and foremost, it means I am going to have to start working out, which sucks. Nobody likes working out and anybody that tells you they do is a damn liar, or already has the perfect body. This means that when I have a day off or some free time, I am going to have to turn off the "Bad Girls Club" Marathon and do something active and healthy... YUCK. I am thinking of baby steps and going with that "Sit and Be Fit" series i've heard so much about...though, if I couldn't regularly commit to THAT I might just get a shit tons go all Goldie Hawn pre magic potion in Death Becomes Her, and be DONE! (You're Welcome for that Clip).

2. The next part is the hardest. In order for all this working out to be effective, It means I am gonna have to eat better. Not just better, but completely frickin' different. Look, let's not lie, healthy food is disgusting. It IS. Like Seaweed Salad for instance....

                                                         ^ WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Why the hell would I ever eat a Seaweed Salad when seaweed is already deliciously located and deep fried in the midst of my Godzilla Roll at my favorite Sushi Joint?

 See My Incredibly Infallible Point? ^ Fuck Yeah that looks yummy. Everything Fried Does!

I swear, most of the time I think people eat healthy food so that they can tell others that they did it and that they enjoy it. Come on, we all have that friend in our lives that just loves to tell us how much healthier they are than us. "Oh Soy Milk? I LOOOOVVVVEEEE Soy Milk. I LOVE to pour a little bit of it over 4 ounces of shredded wheat and a few banana slices in the morning after my multivitamin!" .... I had two slices of left over pizza and canned TANG for breakfast. Fuck Off. Soy Milk Sucks. The worst part about eating healthy is going out to eat. Why am I paying someone to cook FOR me and then all I am gonna get is a heaping pile of no flavor, brown rice and a glass of water with a lemon slice? Nuh uh. I am getting the Steak Lobster Ball with Mashed Potatoes, Mozzarella Sticks for starters and then i'm gonna wash it all down with a heaping glass of country gravy. THAT'S eating out, bitches. 

In conclusion though, I do realize that people who eat better, feel better, at least physically. I am sure there are still thousands of people who are beautiful, who eat right and exercise and still hate themselves...and I LIKE myself for the most part, so I think I might have a leg up here...a chicken leg...Oh Sorry...I mean tofurkey leg...still learning.

3. The last conclusion I came to is that in 2011 I finally started to pursue hobbies...other than drinking, and it was great. I did a lot of community theater. I sang and danced my way to the top of local stardom...I might be overreaching there, but how many times was YOUR name in the paper in a non-felony related way last year? Oh Shut Up. Getting a taste of doing something that you really love is intoxicating and I have decided that in 2012, I am going to get more of that. One of the things I have really neglected over the years is what i'm doing right now. Writing. I used to write all the time. I was always making up stories, characters, situations. I think that is why I've always loved television. It's that understanding that the beautiful scene you are seeing, those words that give you goosebumps...all of that came from the written words of man. Put on your galoshes, we're getting deep up in here. On my life list I wanted to write a book, a screenplay and a television pilot..now I just want to be able to write a grocery list or update my status on Facebook without getting bored and distracted. The reason I think I stopped writing was because I felt like I didn't really have anything unique to say. I'm not tortured, I had a relatively normal childhood. Nothing I wanted to write seemed interesting, which is really odd for me to feel, being such a narcissist. I usually love everything that comes out of my mouth. That's what he said... but I realized that this is all fear based and I really shouldn't be so self conscious. If Pamela Anderson, LC from The Hills and The Kardashians can write, then so can I. (Side Note: I love the Kardashians more than I love some of my family members. Big ups to Kris Jenner for turning everything to ever come out of her vagina into Television GOLD.) Hence, this blog. It's a grandiose notion that anybody will care to read what I have to say... but at least, I'm doing it... at least... I'm her-- Oh man... I've been waiting to quote The Color Purple in this blog just as much as I wait to do so in real life... but it just won't be the same via text, so here:

(Skip to about 1:41.. Powerful, I know. I have a way with words)

That felt so damn good. I hope you join me in the evolution of this blog, as I have no idea what will become of it. I have no idea what I want to do with it, but here I am. I hope you will be with me to see what becomes of this project, and if you don't want to, that's fine too. Honey, it's the internet, and i'll probably never know. I do however have THIS to say to you:

Seacrest Out.